Let Yourself Be Angry

This is what I'm learning today.

I asked, "How do you cope? How do you cope when life throws you a curveball?"

I am a Type A. Cross every friggin' t and dot every flippin' i. *I* control my life; it does not control me. *I* call the shots.

When something (or someone) gets thrown at me when I least expect it, I freeze. I become paralyzed. My reaction is to stand still and wait for it to pass. Did that really even just happen? And now how do I feel?

I'm very honest with myself. After years of denial and pity parties, I've learned to do the opposite. I DO NOT let myself off the hook. I do not sugarcoat. I don't try to make it better with blank (insert your poison here). Sometimes I want to, but I stop myself. It's counterproductive, and in the end, the only thing I'll end up doing is being pissed at myself. Screw that.

Yesterday, I got thrown a curve ball. And I didn't know what to do with it. I talked to a friend. I talked to my husband. I went to bed. I woke up this morning still feeling icky. And then I realized it wasn't ickiness I was feeling; it was anger.

ANGER! Flames, flames, on the side of my face. Breathing, breathless, heaving breaths kind of anger.

So I talked to some more friends. I asked, "How do you cope?"

I had coffee with another friend, someone who knows my situation because he kind of held my hand through the initial part of it. As I started talking, I realized exactly where the anger was coming from. It just hit me. And suddenly, I decided, feel it. Be angry. You are entitled to this anger. Own it.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm pushing through the anger. I'm feeling it. I'm getting down to the nitty-gritty of it.

I went for a very fast-paced walk. I felt the anger, rising, leaving. I felt my shoulders relax.

And now, well, now I don't know. I've never been on the other side of it before. I usually push it down. This is new.

But I'm going with it.