How I Became a Tattooed Mommy

It's amazing the things I can do once when I suddenly lose my fear of failure

2012-01-21T15:37:00.000-05:00

From this to THIS:

Get your craft on

2012-01-09T15:19:00.000-05:00

I made a list of home improvements like I mentioned in my resolution post, and I've already gotten started on it. Exciting!

You already saw the accent wall:

This is the new sofa and chair we chose to compliment our brown leather sofa:

It looks lovely. Add some brown zebra stripe taffeta to cover our deep brown end tables on either side of the leather sofa (sorry, no picture), and the room is complete. I love it. As you can see from the photo, the cats are really digging the new ~~cat bed~~ sofa I purchased.

The second project completed are my kitchen cabinets. Now I love the original honey colored wood cabinets I have in my little galley, but the ones right next to the range had seen better days. So instead of changing everything out (no way!), I figured out a way to make them work AND finally get my chalk board for my menues that I've been talking about since I saw one in my friend, Kate's, kitchen.

Start with some heavy duty primer, 2 coats:

Add a coat of chalkboard paint:

Add another coat of chalkboard paint:

Reattach the hardware:

Let it dry for 3 whole days, then cover it with chalk:

Wipe clean, and it's ready to use!

(the blue chalk doesn't really work for me; I'm switching to white or yellow next week).

In other news, I've also started another resolution last night. I love, love, love my new hobby:

And last, I got some new ink!

Oh, also, I can't remember if I posted a pic of Harry's new ink a couple of months ago. Ellie's little baby feet over his heart:

Holiday, Celebrate

2012-01-05T16:01:00.000-05:00

As promised, the holiday blog!

Harry, Ellie, and I all arrived home at 1:30pm on Friday, December 23rd, and that began what was by far our best vacation ever! Close to 11 days of no work or school made for a very happy family.

We did a lot of nothing and everything on the lovely break. Christmas Eve was very low key. I made a complete turkey dinner for that evening (courtesy of freezing an entire cooked turkey breast from Thanksgiving - woo hoo!), and it was delish. Miss El had a bit of a stomach bug, which royally sucked, but she got through it like the trooper she is and went to bed around 8pm.

Harry and I sat up and watched "It's a Wonderful Life", a first for both of us. Can I say that movie is damn depressing! I balled my eyes out at the end. Jimmy Stewart is a pretty kickass actor though. Holy crap! Around 10pm, Santa came! Ellie had left him some kosher tea crackers and milk, and the reindeer got some Scooby Snack graham crackers and a ramekin of milk as well (so friggin' cute).

The next morning, Harry was up at the ungodly hour of 4am, and I shuffled into the family room around 6am myself. Of course, Ellie didn't wake up till 8! She still wasn't at 100%, so it was a quiet gift opening morning at our house. Poor kid. I thought for sure we were going to have to cancel bringing Harry's mom home and going to his SIL's (me and El, anyway) when she suddenly perked up around 10am. Not a trace of the poor, sick little girl who woke up a mere 2 hours earlier. Suddenly she wanted to play with her toys and she was smiling and laughing. Hurray!

Harry picked his mom up from the nursing home, and we spent a few hours with her just watching TV and playing with Ellie's new toys. Harry brought her back, and around 2, we arrived at his sister, Bonnie's, house. The house was already filled with friends and family eating, drinking, and talking.

Ellie quickly ran off to play with her cousins, which always makes me smile. They're a few years older, but they watch over her. She, in turn, sometimes sits quietly while they're doing their tween-thing and observes. It's interesting to witness. She doesn't understand some of it, but it mesmerizes her. She loves her cousins.

I ended up talking with Bonnie and her best friend, Lorena, for the majority of the party. Bonnie just lost her husband last month. Before his passing, we'd seen her a few times since Harry reunited with his sisters. She took care of both her husband, George, and her son, as well as running her own full-time business out of her home. She had to travel sometimes for work as well. This was one busy lady. She protects her privacy (as well she should), so we've always waited for her to initiate when we could meet up. When George died, she reached out to us, had us ride to the funeral in the limos with the rest of the family, kept us close. I think it may have been then that I really started to think of Harry's found-again sisters as family. It's been difficult for me up until now because I have my own family, and Harry always just had his mom. That's what I married into. Changing that dynamic hasn't been easy for me, I will admit.

After George's funeral, Bonnie said she wanted Christmas at her house, and she wanted the whole family there. So we made sure we'd be there. And I'm SO glad we went. Bonnie and I are alike in a lot of ways (it kind of freaks Harry out a bit). I love her like a sister. It's easy for me to be there for her when she needs me, to understand what she's saying and how she's feeling without her having to explain or apologize for it. It's good, to put it simply.

As the evening was winding down, Bonnie decided on the spur of the moment that she wanted to throw a party the next weekend too since no one had plans for New Years Eve. Since it was also Harry's birthday, we decided to throw the party in his honor. Over that next week, Bonnie and I touched base about the menu and guest list, and the party was set!

During vacation week, we also decided to do some redecorating. We painted an accent wall in the living room and ordered a new sofa and chair as well. I also got to go home decor shopping, which I LOVE. I picked up a few things that added that perfect ME touch to the room.

I even got to bring my Buddha in from the garden (I'm sure you can't see him; he's to the right of the fireplace). The room was actually completed yesterday, and I love it. I'll have to snap of shot of it and post it later because I'm so happy with the outcome.

On Wednesday and Thursday, we took a little trip to RI, with a short stop in Mystic for lunch, shopping, and fudge. We got to go swimming at the hotel, eat clam cakes and doughboys while washing them down with some Sarsaparilla soda, and hit the outlet stores on the way back. It was a great trip and just what we needed. We'll probably be doing it again sometime soon. Ellie loves it.

Saturday was the party for Harry's birthday, and again, we had a wonderful time. Everybody was talking and laughing and dancing and eating the entire night. We got home around 11, and all 3 of us crawled into our bed and passed out. I love sleeping next to my girl.

New Years Day, we hung out around the house and had a visit from my niece and her boyfriend. We had dinner together, and she was kind enough to babysit while Harry and I went out with Tom and Stacey for drinks. It was a good night and a perfect way to ring in the new year.

We also had Monday off, and we spent the day lounging around and enjoying our last day of freedom. We were sad to see it go, but I know we'll fondly look back on this vacation time. Of course, Ellie's already asking for another home day. Truth be told, so am I.

Revolve, resolve, evolve

2012-01-02T12:53:00.001-05:00

Happy 2012 all! I hope you rang in the new year with some fun with friends and family. We did. I'll save all the details for another post sometime this week. Suffice to say, it was a good New Years. In fact, it was a good week from Christmas Eve to today, the last day of my wonderfully needed and enjoyed vacation.

Like most people, I thought about possible resolutions for the year. I've never been big on them, but I do always think about what I'd like to change or improve upon with the coming year.

I decided to break out a pretty little journal I had purchased over the summer to reflect on new and upcoming changes, the new me. I'm always a project, trying to evolve into the person I want to be. I don't really care what others expect of me, and that's probably because my own expectations have the bar raised much higher than anyone would place it. I expect big things from me because, well dammit, I have such potential.

I don't do a Top Ten or anything like that. I just wrote until I was finished. I ended up listing 14 things, but there are some with more than one "thing" to do. If one change leads to another, so much the better.

I won't write out the entire list (there's a second page as well), but here are some highlights:

1. Let the little things go - less stress equals a happier, healthier lady.
5. Spend less online and more time learning new things with Ellie. Have fun. Laugh.
6. Learn a new hobby. Crocheting or knitting. MAKE THIS HAPPEN THIS YEAR.
7. Write more. A lot more. Carry this book. Buy a really good pen.
9. Make a list of small home improvement projects for the year. Don't do all of them at once.
11. Go out with friends at least once a month.
12. Treat myself to something pretty every once in a while.
13. Give Ellie more responsibility and freedom to do things for herself. Stop micromanaging.
14. Be happy. Be creative. Be free.

I enjoyed making the list, and Ellie was really interested in the whole idea and decided to make a list of her own:

1. Decorating

2. Being nice to the cats

3. Work with Daddy

4. Be a gardener. Get gardening shoes.

5. Pet the cats nicely

6. Be really careful with the water for the cats (see the theme?)

7. Learn to read

8. Don't rip books. Be more careful turning the pages.

9. Set up Learning Lodge Navigator to download games for the MobiGo (we did this one this morning!)

10. Listen to Mommy and Daddy better (at least we made the list)

11. Be more careful with my teeth. Don't open water bottles with them. Be careful eating.

12. Play rolling ball (Wii bowling) without Daddy helping [set it up].

13. Exercise more. Do yoga with Mommy.

She's very proud of her list, and she was excited to start on it today.

Later on yesterday, I started my home improvements list. Nothing ambitious, mostly fun stuff I never make time for. I need to make time.

Ellie and I also played a few games of Candyland and her Smurf game, then we took turns coloring in her Peanuts coloring book with crayons and drawing on her huge paper pad with her new markers. It was fun and relaxing and I want to make it a habit. Everyone should have a coloring book and a box of crayons at their desk while at work. 15 minutes would be very therapeutic. I don't care how crazy it may make me look, I'm doing it.

Make time. Enjoy.

It's a Very Shenry Christmas: Part VIII - Barrel of Monkeys

2011-12-22T13:18:00.002-05:00

It's that time of year again when a group of us peruse our vast music databases to come up with THE ULTIMATE MIX. I haven't done all 8 swaps, but I think I've been involved in at least 4 now. I have them all on a shelf, separate from the rest of my musical collection, and I love them. I've only met one of the people in person (I think she was in the first swap), but I've know both Shenry and Kristie through our blogs for years now (since 2004 when we started the swap).

The theme this year (courtesy of Shenry, who always puts this shindig together) is Barrel of Monkeys, which means the last letter of track 1 should be the first letter of track 2, then the last letter of track 2 should be the first letter of track 3, and so on. I love a good challenge, and after 3 different drafts, I got my track list. And I have to say, I dig it. A lot.

I made the track list here at the office, using the music I have on my computer here. While that leaves me with a limited number of songs to use to make my barrel of monkeys, it also made it easier (a lot easier) to only use tracks I really, truly love. I keep my favorite albums on my work computer, and therefore, my mix really reflects songs close to my heart. I think it would have taken me days, even weeks, if I had used my entire collection. So here it is!

(click to embiggen - yes... embiggen!)

If anyone would like a copy, I'll do my best to get one to you.

In the Back Seat - The Arcade Fire - I am just a huge fan. This just felt like a good first track. Off of Funeral.

The Rip - Portishead - off of their Third album. This album had to grow on me. The haunting tracks started following me around, and suddenly, what I first thought of as a mediocre album quickly moved up the ranks in my music library.

Please Forgive Me - David Gray - I bought White Ladder at a local Goodwill shop years after Babylon first came out. It's a truly phenomenal album start to finish, and I highly recommend it. One day, I will see David Gray perform live.

Everyone Says "Hi" - David Bowie - Off of Heathen. No one ever talks about this album, but it's one of my favorites. I love that he covers Frances Black of the Pixies and Neil Young (whom I'm not a fan of when singing but a big fan of, writing-wise). This track just makes me feel good. I feel like Peanuts-characters-dancing when I hear it.

Infra-red - Placebo - Off of Meds. Another album that grew on me. I got a recommendation to buy this album because of the Kate Bush cover at the end of it. It's now one of my Friday-afternoon lineups. I love singing this song.

Death of an Interior Decorator - Death Cab for Cutie - Can you tell me why you have been so sad?

Rasperry Swirl - Tori Amos - I LOVE LOVE LOVE Tori's dance beats. As a non-raver, this makes me want to rave. Off of From the Choirgirl Hotel.

Leeds United - Amanda Fucking Palmer - If I were a lesbian, Amanda would be my gal. Who the fuck sings rock caberet music? Amanda Fucking Palmer, that's who. This is off of Who Killed Amanda Palmer?, an incredible album that also has a killer companion book.

Dead Souls - NIN - This is off of The Crow soundtrack. For those that don't know, I was an insane Crow fan for many, many years. I have listened to this soundtrack a lot. A LOT. A LOT A LOT A LOT. This NIN song kills it.

Straight No Chaser - Bush - Off of Razorblade Suitcase, the album that helped lull this insomniac to sleep for all of the year 2000. This song makes me weep.

Ramona - Beck - Beck is a genius. I will have words with anyone who says different. This is off of the Scott Pilgrim VS. The World Soundtrack, which you need to go out and buy right now if you do not own it yet. Seriously, go right now.

All Good Things - The Weepies - I was only introduced to this group last year by Kristie during the It's a Very Shenry Christmas: Part VII swap. They are awesomely awesome. This a pretty little song off of Hideaway.

Shelter - The XX - Off of XX. A friend turned me onto The XX, and I've never looked back. This is my lounge-around-the-house, cooking-dinner, trying-to-get-through-work, jam-in-the-car album. It's multi-functional.

Run - Snow Patrol - I fell in love with Final Straw when it came out in 2004. I remember how excited I was the first time I heard one of the tracks off of that album at the movie theatre before a movie started. I exclaimed, "Oh my God, Snow Patrol! I know them!" as if me and Gary Lightbody were *like this*.

Numb - Portishead - Yes, yes, TWO Portishead tracks on one mix. I hardly ever do that, use the same artist twice, but the sounds of the two songs are so vastly different, I decided to break my own rules and go for it. This is off of Dummy, which came out in 1994. I wish I could say I've been a Portishead fan since then, but alas, I found them about 5 or 6 years later through a friend.

Breaking My Heart - Aqualung - This song, off of Strange & Beautiful, does just that. The whole album breaks my heart.

To Your Love - Fiona Apple - Fiona may be a hot mess, but she's a musical genius of a hot mess. This is off of “When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right”. No, I did not type that all out myself.

Everlong - Foo Fighters - The greatest song ever, off of The Colour and The Shape. I wish I had the acoustic version, but alas, this one will have to do.

October - Thank God It's Over

2011-11-08T10:28:00.000-05:00

October was the longest month in the history of my life. I danced a jig when November 1st popped up. For realz, yo.

Among the 5000 other things we did in October, here are some of the highlights:

We started off the month with pumpkin picking and my SIL's 50th birthday celebration.

Next, we hit the West Haven Apple Festival where I scored an armful of books for a mere $4. We also went to Delaney's, an Irish pub in West Haven. Their food is kickass. We are definitely going back.
That first week of October, I also started training sales associates as part of a new training group here in my department. Somewhere in that week, I was also told that I had been promoted! Harry also had jury duty that week, and we pulled off a large health fair here at my office (I'm part of the wellness committee here that orchestrates the whole thing).
On Sunday, the 9th, Harry and I had a glorious day outside in New Haven on a brand new Culinary Walking Tour of the Westville section. It was phenomenal. We stopped at the farmer's market and sampled lots of local foods, learned about the history of that section of town, noshed of delicious cuisine and drink at various stops, and soaked up the insane 80* weather. It was one of the best dates we've ever had.
The next week, I went to my first PTA meeting, delivered our first fundraising items for school, decided to co-lead our team for our haunted house room at the office, won a free at-home teeth whitening kit at the health fair which I had to have a mold of my mouth made (gag), and attended movie night at Ellie's school, all the while still training.
Harry got a new tattoo, Ellie's footprints over his heart. They're beautiful.

That next weekend was Ellie's birthday party at the zoo, and it was wonderful. I baked cupcakes for it, but everything else was pretty much taken care of at the zoo. The kids had a fantastic time! I have to say it was one of the best kids' parties we've ever been to. 15 children left very happy that day, complete with a little pumpkin to take home as a thank you (I figured it was better than candy!). The hit of the day... Mama giving all the kids temporary tattoos. Totally doing that again next year.

A few days later, Ellie went on her first kindergarten fieldtrip to a local farm, and I tagged along as a chaperone. It was a lovely morning and a great trip. This day also happened to be the turning point of the month. We found out one of Harry's oldest friends was in the hospital with massive head injuries resulting from a hit and run car vs bicycle (he was on the bike). As we were learning the details of the accident, a knock at our door brought more bad news... there was in incident b/t our Tobi and the neighbor's dog which resulted in an injury. Tobi was to blame. Our neighbor's dog ended up needing emergency surgery, and the rescue we got Tobi from told us we should bring him back. We were heartbroken having to give him up after falling in love with him the few weeks he was with us, but we can't take the chance of him hurting Ellie. That's not a risk I'm about to take.
The next day, I found out an old friend's mother had passed away, and an hour later, I learned Harry's friend had passed on as well. A few hours after that, we found out one of our neighbors had passed too. It was not a good week.
In between all of that, there was a flu shot, a dentist visit, an office lunch, a meeting, the haunted house at work, another birthday party, trunk or treat at school, and a wake.

The next week, I had my first parent teacher conference (Ellie's doing very well!), as well as another dentist appointment. And then, THEN, Harry and I got to relax and have some fun at Chaz and AJ's 1986 Prom being held around the corner from our house. We dressed up totally 80s, listened to some great music, and ate some delicious grub. It was a good night.

Ellie had ANOTHER Halloween party at dance class the Saturday before. Yet another costume, yet more candy.

(Ellie's the faery on the left)

The month finally wound down, but not before we got hit with a freak snow storm. In October. We were lucky, but the rest of the state was not. There are STILL people without power here in CT. They're on like day 9 or 10 without power, heat, and water. It's insane. And today it's supposed to be freakin' 70* out. WTF?
Trick or treating still went on in my town, and El had a fun night ringing neighbors' doorbells and singing "trick or treat, smell my feet". I thought it was cute (I taught it to her), but Harry was all kinds of bent out of shape about it saying it was rude. Eh. I told him he's not allowed to be anal; that's my job:)

November rolled around, and with it came Ellie's actual birthday. She went to school that day, and I ended up taking a 1/2 day at work to meet up with my sister for some food and conversation. Harry, Ellie, and I celebrated with pizza and doughnuts (her choice) and the opening of presents. It was a nice low-key evening. Oh, and El got a haircut somewhere in there. Look at how damn cute!

This past weekend we had the family over to celebrate, and that was fun as well. We ate some more good food (so much food this month!), opened more presents, and just enjoyed each other's company.

And now, now I can breathe easy. This month is shaping up to be a whole lotta nothin', and that makes me happy.

Last pic, Miss Ellie's kindergarten photo!

Me and My Girl

2011-10-23T20:37:00.000-05:00

Kindergarten Cuteness

2011-09-14T19:51:00.000-05:00

Unprepared

2011-08-26T08:58:00.001-05:00

That's my middle name for today.

Did you know there was a hurricane headed my way this weekend? I vaguely remember hearing something about it a couple of days ago, but there's ALWAYS a hurricane headed this way during the fall. We live on the coast; it's inevitable. Apparently, Miss Irene is a pretty big deal though... like Gloria status. I remember Hurricane Gloria very well. It was 1985. I was 8-years-old. We taped all of the windows with big X's, lost power, listened about the storm on our little transistor radio, and went outside during the eye to assess the damage (we lost our plum tree).

So what do we have in our fridge? About 4 oz of water. Yes, seriously. We never have that little water in the fridge. Go figure we'd run out right before this damn thing.

So Harry went to the store yesterday, and they were almost completely out of water. He managed to get 4 litres and a shload of batteries. Huzzah.

I'm going to hit the store on my break, and hopefully we'll be able to score a few more gallons. If not, I'm just going to buy containers and fill them with tap. I drink it all the time anyway. We also need tape for the windows. How do we not have tape? What is wrong with us?

The main reason I am so ill-prepared for this is because this is Ellie's last day of Pre-K. And she's starting kindergarten next week.

Next WEEK.

Holy crap. I've managed to get all of her paperwork done, and she's got all the supplies she needs. We bought new clothes last month while on vay cay. So while it sounds like I'm prepared, it's the me-inside that's not. I'm starting to freak. Pick-up, drop-off... will she be able to get to her classroom herself after the first few days? Will she remember her backpack and lunchbox and folder and homework all by herself? All of a sudden, my little 4-year-old has a lot of responsibility to shoulder. While Pre-K has prepared her for the likes of homework and such, Mommy and Daddy are the ones who remember to tote everything back and forth between home and her cubby. This is all on her now.

I feel helpless.

I'm now just supposed to drop her off and walk away. No more placing everything in her cubby myself. No more last minute hugs and kisses and "Mommy, will you stay with me for a few minutes?"

Why am I freaking myself out even more now?

Stupid hurricane. Stupid kindergarten. Stupid growing up.

Yes, Ellie, Mommy said a bad word. Mommy said stupid. Three times.

Stupid is the only bad word Ellie knows (and does not use except to point out every single time she hears it). Heh heh.

I think Mommy needs a valium.

This girl...

2011-07-27T15:33:00.000-05:00

... makes me smile. So. Very. Much.

Namaste'

2011-07-20T12:53:00.000-05:00

(found using Google Images)

I picked up Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh again last week. 6 months ago, I couldn't connect with it. Today, I'm trying to live it.

I'm trying new things, thinking in new ways. I went to my first-evah! yoga class this past weekend. It was held at the beach the next town over. And I loved it.

Loved it.

I'm practicing yoga again. Mostly at home. Rodney Yee is my man. His voice centers me.

I feel good.

There is a lot going on in my life right now. Things I cannot share because it involves so many other people. Things that weigh heavy on my heart and my mind. I'm finding a way to deal with it.

I'm not looking for answers. I'm looking for the best me.

I find a little more of her every day.

Bacation and The Voice!

2011-07-07T15:04:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, I cannot believe I have failed to mention here (as opposed to FB where I have shouted from the mountaintops) that my friend, Javier Colon, was not only a contestant on NBC's The Voice, but that he won the whole damn thing last week! I am so unbelievably happy for him and proud to boot. Besides being an insanely talented individual, Jav is also a genuinely good person. Those are hard to come by.

I met Jav in junior high. His best friend and my best friend were dating each other. I'm sure we were both the squeaky third wheel on numerous occasions. Junior high is also where Javier's voice was first discovered by the choir teacher, Ms. Spad. Under her guidance, Jav went from a shy 12-year-old boy to a less shy 14-year-old boy who realized the girls liked guys who could sing:)

I remember all of us scurrying to buy a copy of "Baby" on cassette tape. Jav had written and recorded it for a girl named Caitlin. It was a pretty little love ballad, and you could hear people singing it in the halls for months afterwards. It's still floating around my mother's basement somewhere.

I remember the girls going ballistic after Jav teamed up with a friend to sing "More Than Words" at our talent show. Swoon! Hey, it was 1991; give me a break!

In high school, Javier continued in the choir and senior year, he starred in our fall show, Man of La Mancha. If I remember correctly, we sold out every night. That's a pretty damn good feat for a high school production. At some point during high school, I also remember he and Andy doing Beauty and the Beast, with Jav portraying The Beast and Andy as Gaston (and both were fantastic, BTW).

I lost touch with him after high school, but I followed his career nonetheless. While at a DMB concert in Hartford in 2001, a high school friend and I were sitting on the lawn waiting for the show to begin. The opening band (The Derek Trucks Band) came on, and 15 seconds into the first song, I realized the I knew the voice of the lead singer. I looked up at the monitors, and sure enough, it was Javier. Opening for Dave Matthews. Holy crap. Two years later, I bought his first album, and I was floored when I saw a music video for "Crazy" on friggin' MTV! We knew Jav would make it, and it looked like he did.

Eventually though, he lost his record contract. And that totally sucked. He did the college tour thing for a while, opening for both Joss Stone and the Indigo Girls (pretty cool!). And then came The Voice. And the rest is history.

We're having a big shindig for him this Sunday at our high school. We're all meeting up to celebrate the wonderful man he is and the incredible talent he possesses. And the bonus... we get to see him again. Since we never had a reunion, this is kind of like one. Since he got on the show a few months ago, he's brought our community together. It's pretty amazing.

Javier singing with effin' Stevie Nicks!

****************************************************************
And now for the bacation photos! We had a great bacation (Ellie-speak) in Saco, ME this past weekend. Here's a quick recap via pics.

pretty little street in downtown Saco

family picnic

sis and niece

the Ellie-monster

Essence of both childhood and summer

Me and my lovely sis

Ellie strong!

No pictures please. I'm trying to enjoy this gelato.

Street in downtown Portland

Statue in front of the Portland Regency

Docks of Portland

A girl and her daddy

Best video of my kid ever. Angry Birds... LIVE ACTION!

2011-06-20T18:33:00.000-05:00

The Living Years

2011-06-14T08:40:00.000-05:00

Today marks 2 things: My Nana's birthday (she would have been 88) and Ellie's Pre-K graduation.

I am an emotional roller coaster today. Loss, life, growing, years going by... it's all jumbled up in my head right now.

The day is strange for me. I miss Nana. A chapter in Ellie's life is closing. Another one is starting. And there is a strange connection between Ellie and the Nana she did not get to meet. Like the song says, "I think I caught [her] spirit later that same year/ I'm sure I heard [her] echo in my baby's newborn tears." I catch a glimpse of my grandmother in Ellie on occasion. The first time it happened, I was a bit freaked. Now I just marvel at how my little girl carries so much of my Nana in her heart.

1977: Nana holding me for the first time

2011: Look, Nana, I'm all grown up.

2006: A mini-me is born.

2011: My crazy little faerie.

My most photo-heavy post evah!

2011-06-07T22:15:00.000-05:00

More pictures, less words!

Let's start with our vacation to Ocean City. Harry took all of these. Not too shabby!

Next, our gardens! Harry, Ellie, and I are all very proud of how well the yard turned out this year. We've been out there every weekend, which was our goal, and we're enjoying it. We're growing tons of stuff, both flora and fauna AND fruits and veggies. It's very exciting.

The pretty planter Harry got for me filled with pansies and red geraniums.

Random wildflowers.

Parsley!

Cilantro.

Cilantro!

Rose on my new rose hedge. So pretty.

The first anemone poppy to come up!

A hardy geranium.

Red creeping thyme. Just starting to take.

One of many sunflowers.

Another sunflower. These suckers are gonna be huge!

More rose hedges.

The flower garden bed Harry built. I can't wait until it's all filled in.

Blueberries.

The veggie garden.

Sage.

Red bell pepper.

Peas!

More peas!

Thyme.

Strawberry patch.

Another shot of the strawberry patch.

Our ginormous butterfly bush. This photo doesn't do it justice. It's nearly 10 feet tall.

Newest flower bed. Hostas and periwinkle.

Pretty periwinkle.

Beautiful, vibrant hosta.

My blue hydrangea is just about ready to explode with blooms! This was a transplant from our old house. It was my first mother's day gift after Ellie was born and is my favorite bloom.

Pansies and marigolds at the front of the house.

Our incredibly large mum plant. This was a housewarming present from Lea. It's insane!

Yellow pansies and pink geraniums (Ellie chose the color scheme, and it's really pretty (the geraniums are getting ready to bloom again - can't wait!)

Raspberries.

And my gnome friends. I love them.

And last, but not least, some shots of me getting my craft on this evening. I baked oatmeal carmelitas for a charity fundraiser tomorrow at the office and chocolate chip cookies for Ellie's school picnic happening tomorrow afternoon. I also made my first ever felt flower hair pin, and it came out fantastic! Ellie will be rocking it tomorrow. I plan to make a lot more. They super easy and fun! And I think it cost me about $0.05 in materials.

Me being a dork as usual. Admit it, I'm cute.

Mmmm. Oatmeal carmelita goodness.

My little helper. She was really into it.

My kid is so much like me. She's a dork too.

Ellie did a lot of pouring.

And dumping.

And mixing.

Here they are in the oven. I love these damn things. Thank Goodness they'll be out of the house by tomorrow morning.

Next up, mini chocolate chip cookies.

A gorgeous shot of my girl. Those eyes, those eyes!

They're so tiny! I think there were 36 cookies on this sheet at once.

And they look so yummy.

So very yummy. A veritable sea of yum.

My first flower!

It's so cute!

Oh, I almost forgot! I finished my half-sleeve last week! And I totally did not post a picture. I am lame.

Here it is!

Yes, I'm wearing a towel. You like? The tattoo, not the towel.

That's all folks!

Let Yourself Be Angry

2011-05-24T15:16:00.000-05:00

This is what I'm learning today.

I asked, "How do you cope? How do you cope when life throws you a curveball?"

I am a Type A. Cross every friggin' t and dot every flippin' i. *I* control my life; it does not control me. *I* call the shots.

When something (or someone) gets thrown at me when I least expect it, I freeze. I become paralyzed. My reaction is to stand still and wait for it to pass. Did that really even just happen? And now how do I feel?

I'm very honest with myself. After years of denial and pity parties, I've learned to do the opposite. I DO NOT let myself off the hook. I do not sugarcoat. I don't try to make it better with blank (insert your poison here). Sometimes I want to, but I stop myself. It's counterproductive, and in the end, the only thing I'll end up doing is being pissed at myself. Screw that.

Yesterday, I got thrown a curve ball. And I didn't know what to do with it. I talked to a friend. I talked to my husband. I went to bed. I woke up this morning still feeling icky. And then I realized it wasn't ickiness I was feeling; it was anger.

ANGER! Flames, flames, on the side of my face. Breathing, breathless, heaving breaths kind of anger.

So I talked to some more friends. I asked, "How do you cope?"

I had coffee with another friend, someone who knows my situation because he kind of held my hand through the initial part of it. As I started talking, I realized exactly where the anger was coming from. It just hit me. And suddenly, I decided, feel it. Be angry. You are entitled to this anger. Own it.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm pushing through the anger. I'm feeling it. I'm getting down to the nitty-gritty of it.

I went for a very fast-paced walk. I felt the anger, rising, leaving. I felt my shoulders relax.

And now, well, now I don't know. I've never been on the other side of it before. I usually push it down. This is new.

But I'm going with it.

Jelly, jelly, jelly

2011-05-19T11:19:00.000-05:00

Enough about food!

This past weekend, El and I had a girls' day out and ventured up to Mystic once again since we were completely rained on the last time we went. This trip, we hit the aquarium, which we haven't been to since El was about 9 months old. We had a great time together!

We started off with a packed picnic lunch. We found a nice quiet area on the outskirts of the shopping village to eat. They have benches all over the place, so we picked one and chowed down. Then we mosied on over to the aquarium for the sea lion show. Both of us loved it, though I'll admit I think I was enthralled just the tiniest bit more. I loved the sea lion show as a kid. It was super exciting because this time, the sea lions actually swam across their pool and came out of the door right near the audience! The big 900 pounder came out right in front of us. He's magnificent.

That's him on the far right. I got this picture from google images though. I didn't take any of my own b/c I'm the dumbass that forgot my camera, and I didn't think my phone would get a good shot.

After the show, we saw the beluga whales, checked out the penguins (so awesome - El loved them), some more sea lions, and some frogs and turtles. Then we headed inside to the indoor exhibits. We saw sea stars, sea horses, eels (ewww), tons of fish, Nemo, of course, sharks, rays, and an octopus, which some dumbass shot a photo of with her flash on (I was ready to pop her one).

We also spotted this beautiful turtle.

Some boys were getting their pictures taken in front of it, and they started making funny faces as the camera. Of course, Ellie had to follow suit once it was her turn.

And last, but not least, we saw the jellies. Oh, the jellies. Ellie followed me around the aquarium for most of the day, and then at home for the rest of the day, repeating the Spongebob Squarepants ditty, "Jelly, Jelly, Jelly". Spongebob, he loves his jelly fish. And so does Ellie.

After the aquarium, we headed over the village for a little shopping. Ellie got her fudge fix at Franklin's, and we got her a cute pirate t-shirt there. We headed on home around 4:30 to make dinner (farro salad and corn on the cob - ok, there's a little food in this post), watched a little tv, then called it a night.

It was a great day.

We-wease the see-quet weapon! (Release the secret weapon!)

2011-05-18T13:42:00.001-05:00

10 pts. to whomever can guess the movie.

I'm happy and proud to report that I've gotten some great feedback on my last 2 posts. It's nice to know that I may be helping and inspiring friends and family alike to take a look at their lives and find what they want to change. I've had a few ask for advice and tips, so until I can actually sit down and have a chat with those people one-on-one, I thought I'd at least make a list of my personal go-to's on my journey, that is the food I love to eat that helps me shed the pounds.

Just a note that I'm following the old Weight Watchers plan, the one that only took calories, fat, and fiber into account. I tried the new plan when it rolled out in November, and while I saw some results the first few weeks, it was next to impossible to figure out points without all the nutritional info of everything I was consuming handy. With the old system, I've gotten pretty good at guesstimating. I'm eating 20 old points a day, and I started with 25 back in 2009.

Without further ado.

Arnold's Sandwich Thins. These babies get me through the day. I love bread, like seriously love bread. I can have one, sometimes even 2 of these in a day, and I don't feel guilty. At 100 calories with 5 grams of fiber, they're only 1 old WW point.

Another 1 pointer carb. Martin's small sliced potato rolls. These are the ones that come in a 12 pack (the larger ones that come in an 8-pack are 2 pts each). These are great for burgers of any kind, be it turkey, salmon, you name it. My kid also loves both the Arnold's Thins and the Martin's potato rolls. She eats half my stash!

Hummus. I bow down to you. I have always been a lover of the chick pea, but I only discovered hummus a couple of years ago. I've been eating it like a fiend ever since. 2 tbsps is 1 pt. The Trader Joe's Kalamata olive hummus is my fave right now. With some baby carrots (0 pts), it's the perfect afternoon snack.

Fruit. I eat a lot of it. 3-4 piece a day usually. Each piece/serving of fruit (besides bananas) is 1 point. So on any given day, I'll have an apple, some grapes, two large slices of cantaloupe, and a 1/2 cup of strawberries if I need a little extra. That's 3-4 points. They help curb my sweet tooth. And the cantaloupe, which I can luckily get around her all the time, is very filling and low on calories. Apples and pears are also great choices because of all the fiber they pack. The one fruit that makes me swoon though, is cherries. Once they're in high season, I eat them every day until they're gone.

Oatmeal. I usually have it for breakfast around 9am, but I can also have it as an afternoon snack when brekkie is something different (which I'll talk about next). This particular oatmeal from Trader Joe's (so I'm a little obsessed with TJ; I admit it!), is 2 pts. For a while, I had to settle for 3 pt oatmeals (like Quaker's High Fiber Cinnamon Oatmeal) because the only other 2 pt oatmeal I liked (Kashi's Heart to Heart Cinnamon Raisin Oatmeal) has been discontinued! I was pissed when that happened. So color me happy when I found the TJ's oatmeal last month. It's SO good.

(Ignore the yokes - apparently no one cooks their eggs like I do). Egg Whites. One egg white has a measly. 15-17 calories (depends on who you ask). If you eat just one, it doesn't even count as a point. So that's what I do. An egg white "pan fried" using a nonstick skillet and a spritz of cooking spray on an Arnold's Thin is my second breakfast choice. And in the end, it's really just 1 pt. A little salt and pepper, and you're good to go. It's delish.

Iced coffee, 1% milk, and a caramel shot. It's 2 pts, and it's so worth it. Last week, Harry surprised me with caramel flavoring from Target. I had been getting my fix at Dunkin' Donuts. Now I can make it at home! A serving is 80 calories, so I cut it in half (and I still get great flavor and sweetness from it). Add the 1% milk and the vast amount of coffee I drink per drink, and it's up to 2 pts.

Yoplait light yogurts. They are so delicious, the make me weep with joy. My personal faves: cherry cobbler, lemon creme pie, key lime pie, apple turnover, triple berry torte, and strawberry shortcake. 2 pts of sweet decadence.

This particular Pop Secret is just 1 pt per 5 cups. Insane. This popcorn helped me tremendously through my initial weight loss. I don't eat it that much any more, but every once in a while I'll pop a bag when I'm ravenous. It's very filling. I sometimes used to eat an entire bag as my lunch. And it ended up being like 2.5 pts or something.

Farro is a new find. It's another form of wheat you cook like rice or pasta. And it's incredibly delicious. It has a chewy texture and a nutty flavor. I made a cold salad with it and some Trader Joe's bruschetta mix, and it was incredible. Even Harry is in love with it. A serving is just 3 pts. I bought mine on amazon.com.

When I crave a bevvie, Amstel light is a great choice. It's just 2 pts a beer. A second choice for me is a jigger of vodka in a large glass of diet A&W root beer. Again, 2 pts.

And lastly, to chase away the chocolate cravings, ice cream. This fat free ice cream by Breyers is 1 pts per serving. Mind you a serving is 1/2 a cup. I serve it in a ramekin, so while it's a small amount, it fills the damn thing up making it look like more. Hood fat free frozen yogurt is also an excellent 2 pt choice.

In addition to these, things like sliced turkey or ham, canned tuna (60 cals and under), canned salmon (60 cals and under) are all 1 pt per serving. Add veggies on an Arnolds Thin, and you're looking at a 2pt sandwich. You can also make delicious burgers out of canned tuna or salmon. 1 serving plus just a little breadcrumbs, egg white, spicy mustard, old bay seasoning, and salt and pepper makes a 2 pt burger. On a Martin's roll, that's 3 points. It's a delicious dinner paired with a salad and a little rice.

A sample menu of my day:

Hella big coffee 2pts
oatmeal              2 pts

turkey, veggies on Arnold's thin 2 pts
yogurt                                        2 pts
cantaloupe and grapes                2 pts

carrots and hummus   1 pt
apple                         1 pt

farro w/ bruschetta mix   4 pts
salmon burger                 3 pts

ice cream                        1 pt

20 pts total

My exercise (mainly walking) will give me a few extra points throughout the day for extras, but I usually don't eat them. I also have a point allowance for the week, but I don't usually use that either. It's just the way I am.

There's a points calculator anyone can use for free here: http://www.calculatorcat.com/free_calculators/weight_watchers_calculator.phtml

I was given 29 pts with a 49 pt weekly allowance on the newer plan, so if you wanna try that one with that calculator, you can guesstimate your points using mine as a reference. When I started, I was at 202 and I'm 5 feet tall. They started me at 25 pts a week on the old plan. You usually take 1 point away once you hit a new deca (as in 190s, 180s, etc).

Also, I found a great blog filled with recipes that give nutritional info, old points, and new points: http://www.skinnytaste.com/
Check it out!

That's all folks. Any questions, don't hesitate to ask! I'm here to help.

The Good Stuff

2011-05-17T12:17:00.000-05:00

Jen and Cristina both gave us some excellent ideas to help us on our weight loss journey. It boils down to this: instead of looking at all the areas where there are problems, take a look at the good stuff. I'm all for positivity, so I'm game.

Jen suggested we make a list of all the good things in our lives that are helping us reach our goals. You know how I love a good list! So here it is:

Alicia's List of Good Things

1. My daughter. Half of the reason for this journey is Ellie. I couldn't keep up with her. Even at the age of 2, she was lightning quick, a tiny little ball of energy. I couldn't run after her. I couldn't climb onto the playground sets. Something had to change. While pregnant with her, I ate better than I ever have. I hit 227 once again (which was what I weighed at my heaviest during college), but I looked good for a pregnant chick.

I wanted her to be healthy. Strong. So I made sure to eat the best foods. For her. And then I let it go after she was born, and I focused all of my energy on her. I made sure she ate right; why didn't I do it for myself? When I had to buy size 18 jeans because my 16s were getting too tight, that's when it happened. When the scale said 200 again, that's when it happened. What was I teaching her? Do as I say, not as I do? No way. I researched. I learned. I learned from Ellie. She and I now eat a lot of the same foods, though she gets to indulge a little more for the time being. She's at a very good weight for her height. She's very active. She's also got a sweet tooth and loves to watch TV like her mom. It's all about balance.

2. Myself. *I* am the other half of the reason for this journey. I owe it to myself to make that once unattainable goal a reality. To not be overweight? I NEVER thought it could happen. I didn't have enough willpower and energy. I'm so very close to it right now. I'm proving myself wrong. And I love that. I love me.

3. Time for myself. Yes, it sometimes has to be scheduled, but it's still mine. I get an hour and a half during the workday to walk, shop, read, blog, whatever I want within reason. I can even go home for a bit if I choose. Most people don't have this luxury. I'm thankful for it. Once Ellie starts kindergarten, an hour of that will be spent picking her up from school, but I really can't complain. Extra time with her will be wonderful.

4. My newfound love of vegetables. I've come a long way, baby. Special shout out to hummus, for which this may not have been possible.

5. Good friends. 'Nuff said.

6. The ability and the means to eat well and live a comfortable lifestyle. I am thankful that my husband and I both have good jobs with excellent companies. Our employers have good values, are caring and understanding, and give us great benefits. We have health insurance. We can send our daughter to a good preschool. We are able to afford our cute, little, cozy, beautiful home. We both have vehicles to drive. We're able to go out once in a while. We go on vacation every year. I do not, for one moment, take these things for granted. We both work hard, but I know we're still lucky.

7. Our newfound love of gardening and outdoor life in general. A hobby the entire family can enjoy is a good gift.

8. Shopping. I heart shopping. I used to dread it. Nothing ever fit right, so I used to buy something I thought could at least pass for acceptable. Now I have choices, not just which store I can shop in but styles as well. I can usually find my size now. And it makes me smile. I actually go inot the dressing room now hoping everything won't look good because my pocket can't cover it all.

Cristina's suggestion was to choose a photo or photos that show a part of our body we like. Stop being so down on ourselves about thighs being too big. What's at least one thing we like about the way we look.

Me? I have to say that I love the way I look in a dress.

My waist is pretty small, and I've got lots of curves. I also have a very pretty smile. And my tattoos kick ass.

There is power in numbers

2011-05-16T12:49:00.000-05:00

I mentioned on a FB status last week that 2 years ago on Mother's Day, I began my weight loss journey. Exactly one year to that day, I had managed to lose a whopping 57 lbs. Not too shabby. Over the next year, I managed to maintain that weight loss. Up until that very last week, which is the week of my birthday and Mother's Day. The scale creeped up 4 friggin' pounds. IN A WEEK.

Um, no.

So I decided it was time to hop to it and lose these last 20 lbs that are hanging onto my ass (and thighs) for dear life. Secretly I hoped somebody (Cristina) would say, "let's do this together!" The reason why I hoped somebody (Cristina) would say that is because 1) it's how I managed to do it the last time, 2) a support system you can talk to every day is always a good thing, and 3) the tips, the agonies, the defeats, the triumphs, etc keep me going. And I keep saying Cristina because 1) She was there with me the first time and 2) she has a somewhat obsessive personality like I do, so once we have a goal, damned if we're not gonna reach it.

Guess who asked if we could do it together?

I quickly got off my phone and onto my MAC and created the group. And then Kristin said she wanted to join. Then Sue. Then Jen, Then Jessica. All of a sudden, in a matter of hours, we had like 7 or 8 people in the group. To date, we have TEN. And we only started the group a week ago.

We mesh well. It's been interesting for me because it's the melding of my supercreative friends I've known for years with the newer supercreative mommy-friends post Ellie. We all have so much in common, and we've all jumped into it full force. Everyone's talking as if they've known each other for years. Secret thoughts, fears, behaviors, etc have already been divulged. Similar family relationships, talents, interests, habits, and the like have already been found. It's really quite incredible.

I love it. So very much.

And I am SO into it already. I've got my head in the game. I am a force. I am unstoppable.

I feel like I did at the height of my weight loss last round. I've gotten into my walking routine with a vengeance. I'm following my points system. I am in the zone.

Dude, I walked 2 miles in the rain today. While at work. In my work clothes. Bad ass.

I feel good. Incredible even. I've been eating well and enjoying my food.

And for me that's key. I love food. I love the taste, the texture. I love cooking. I love trying new foods.

I ate sushi for the first time last week.

I ate this!

This empowerment is both addicting yet healthy I think. Sometimes you need to feel as if you can take on anything. Right now, I think I can.

We also took some photos to help see our progress. I want to post those here, but I also want to post a photo of me from before I lost the weight as well.

Pre-weight loss

post weight loss round 1

Here's to the last 20!

You say it's your birthday; it's my birthday, too!

2011-05-05T15:29:00.000-05:00

It's my birthday tomorrow! Where's my present?

I'm at the age now (I'm about to turn 34) where I should be totally dreading yet another birthday, but that doesn't happen to me for some reason. Birthdays are still fun and exciting. I still act like a kid on my birthday, wanting to tell anyone who will listen, "Know what today is? It's my birthday!" I still have a sense of childlike entitlement on my birthday, like, "I shouldn't have to work today because it's my birthday. I shouldn't have to scrub the toilets today because it's my birthday. I shouldn't have to cook today because it's my birthday. You should be my slave today and execute my every whim because it's my birthday." That's not too much to ask, right?

Birthdays have always been special and sacred to me. It's the day you were born, dammit! The world should be rejoicing. It's a better place because YOU'RE in it.

As a kid, 34 wasn't old to me. Seriously. 34 was like a really cool age. You're like an adult or something. You can do whatever you want. At 34 you should have a steady job and pay your taxes. You're mature. And that's pretty awesome. So the kid-me would think the today-me was right on target. And I'm a rad mom with lots of tattoos. No way I saw that one coming, let me tell you.

See, around my birthday, I get pretty full of myself. I'm in a fantastic mood, and I think everybody loves me. May 6th is the height-of-my-ego day.

I go out and treat myself to new makeup (check) and a coffee (check). I get to pick what we have for dinner tomorrow night (homemade cheese pizza!). And I throw a little shindig for myself (on Saturday). Why the hell not? No sense in feeling down about aging another year... I want to celebrate! So I break out the beer and a massive amount of food, invite a few friends over, and do just that. We celebrate the whole weekend, not just the day. Sometimes it's good to feel important.

So here's to another year! Here's to friends and family! Here's to good health and happy days!

The weekend starts here

2011-04-18T11:54:00.000-05:00

Friday night started with our weekly cheese night and ended for Miss Ellie with a little stargazing before bed. This was the first time she looked through a telescope, and she loved it.

Look at that face! So serious and interested in what she's seeing!

Saturday morning was Ellie's second dance class, and it went extremely well. She got to try out her new tappy shoes, and the girl is hooked. I got greeted with a great big smile at pickup. Yeah, she likes it.

After dance, we headed out to an Easter egg hunt at our local community center. It was crazy cold (34* with the windchill), but we braved it so Miss Ellie could search and find those little plastic eggs filled with delicious chocolate. We saw a lot of kids (read PARENTS) break the 10-eggs-only rule, and Ellie only ended up with 4 because we wanted to let HER find her eggs. Everyone was told that if kids ended up with more than 10, they were supposed to give them to the kids that didn't have 10. Yeah, like that was gonna happen. Regardless, Ellie was more than happy with her 4 and free cookie. We went home for lunch, and she had her bounty for dessert. All but the peppermint patties. Girl does not like mint!

Later that afternoon, my sister and her husband and youngest daughter came down for a visit. We stopped by my dad's for a bit, and then the adults went out to dinner. We had an excellent time together. I'm so very happy that my sister and I have this newer, stronger relationship. It's good. It's right. That's all I'll say on it.

We came back to the house for carrot cake and coffee (everyone, you MUST try the carrot cake recipe... it's delish!), and made plans for Easter next weekend up at her house. Then they'll be down again 2 weekends after that to help celebrate my birthday! This is the first time my sister and I are doing something like this, as in she'll be hanging out with me and my friends for an evening of food and drinks. I think it's gonna be a lot of fun. She even moved/changed her schedule so she could make it. It makes me smile.

Sunday was a "home day" as Ellie likes to call them. Ellie and Harry went to visit with his mom for a bit in the morning, while I started in on some yardwork. When they got home, I stopped to make lunch for us all, then we all went back outside for more yardwork. It was so beautiful and sunny yesterday, we couldn't help but be out there enjoying it.

It was quite a weekend. I loved every minute of it.

My little ballerina

2011-04-11T14:11:00.001-05:00

We're delving into two new territories here, folks. First and foremost, Miss Ellie started dance classes this past weekend. This is HUGE. I'm sure I've mentioned before that I really, really wanted to take dance classes as a kid, but my parents wouldn't let me. I was devastated. Not only was I missing out on the fun, not only was it yet another thing my friends did that I couldn't, but dance recitals seemed to fall on the same day as my birthday party every single year. I always vowed that if and when I had a child, and they wanted to take dance, I'd do everything I could to make it happen.

Who would have known it would be this easy?

I got a recommendation from a friend at work, so I sent an inquiry email. I got a reply this past Thursday evening letting me know she could start before the new school year/season (in September). They said to give a call Friday evening, and suddenly we're starting the very next day! Lucky for me Ellie has been super interested in dancing, so she already had a leotard and tu tu for class. I made a quick trip to the store Friday night for tights and slippers, and Presto! A star is born.

Even luckier for me that my work friend's daughter is the class helper for Ellie's age division, so I got the inside scoop about how Saturday morning went. That's right; I wasn't allowed to watch the class. I spent a much-needed hour of quiet bliss at the Starbucks a couple of minutes down the road from the dance studio while Ellie delved into her first taste of ballet and tap.

When I came to pick her up, she was quietly waiting on the bench for me. I was informed that she was not shy at all, listened to direction very well, and all-around fit right in. Ellie was happily holding a much-desired lollipop in her hand, which is a treat for each of the kids after the lesson is over (and kudos to the teachers for asking me if it was OK before we even started).

Ellie was a little bummed because she didn't have her "tappy shoes" for the first class but instantly perked up when I told her we were going to the store right now to go get them. My secret informant (coworker's daughter) told me outside of class that Ellie did reallly well. She listened, understood, and did ALL of the movements taught that day. Kick ass, little girl!

I tried to coax a few dance moves out of her on Saturday, but stubborn little miss wasn't having any of it. Then Sunday night, before bath, I decided on a different tactic. I stood up and asked Ellie, "Is this first position?" purposely having my feet slightly off. She quickly corrected me, showing me and saying, "No, Mommy, first position is this." Then she showed me some jumps she learned, and then she started spazzing out. BUT she was definitely listening.

She has class every Saturday morning, which will be nice. She's excited, and I'm excited. I hope she continues to enjoy it.

And now for the second newest thing... I give you... current pictures of Miss Ellie in all her dance attire glory! For all my FB friends, this is nothing new, but for the few of you I only know from blogging, this is big. I'm always nervous about posting pictures of Ellie anywhere public, but the reality is that anyone, ANYONE, can snap a picture of my daughter and post it wherever the hell they like. It's been a slow realization for me.

So here she is!

Case of the Weepies

2011-04-07T14:18:00.004-05:00

I've been holing myself up in my cubicle all day. Today is just a bad day. The grief that I should have felt years ago when my grandparents' passed has just come to fruition. All of a sudden, it's hit me quite hard.

My Nana passed in 2002. I was a mess. She had been diagnosed with intestinal cancer 8 months before she finally died, so while it pierced my heart, I was comforted by the thought that she was no longer in pain.

My grandfather passed in 2004. In the days before he died, he refused to eat and continually called my grandmother's name. It broke my heart. For a year before that, he didn't recognize us. It was torture visiting him, because while he quite vividly remember Alicia, he did not, in fact, realize that *I* was me. Alicia was an 8-year-old little girl to him. So while I again fell apart when he died, I had lost him even before that.

And now suddenly, so so suddenly, the grief I now feel is all-consuming. It has a little to do with my new fascination and fixation with Italy, reading and consuming everything I can about that beautiful country. It has a little to do with our new gung ho empahasis on growing, planting, and building our land, which will always remind me of them.

But I think it has a lot to do with Miss Ellie. In the last few weeks, Ellie has grown into the little girl I was. Like whoa. All of a sudden, she's playing pretend, making up stories, playing with her dolls, dancing to songs she sings and makes up as she goes, and all around resembles little 4-year-old me. Only 4-year-old me had Nana and Pop as both her obedient playmates and captive audience. Ellie does not have that.

I miss them so much. Every day it just seems to get worse. The pain intensifies. I remember things like the way my grandmother couldn't fully open or close her hand because of a work accident at the Sprague Meter in Bridgeport. I remember how all my relatives used to rag on Pop because of his obsession with sitting in the caffes and walking the piazza, visiting this friend and that, when he lived in Italy. A man of leisure, they'd quip. And now reading that that was actually normal male behavior. That's what men did and still do in Italy. It's part of their life, their personality, their La Dolce Vita mentality. Dolce Far Niente.

I saw a picture of two old Nonnas walking down a lane holding hands, and the tears sprang to my eyes. Those two little Nonnas could have been Nana and Zia Zia Carmella, my grandmother and her sister, polar opposites that loved each other to the core. I remember how my grandmother only wore dresses and Zia Zia only wore pants. I remember them both working their gardens, their gold earrings shining in the summer sun.

I read about Italian men with creased faces and dark, tanned leather skin, working the farms, weaving, picking, pruning, jacks of all trades, and I want Pop back. I want him in his backyard under the grape vines, whittling wood or twiddling his thumbs, both of which he did daily.

I found out yesterday that my grandmother's name is the word for Sunday. Domenica. How did I not know that? My dad wanted to name me after her, but my mother wouldn't let him. I remember thanking her for that growing up, but now? Now I wouldn't mind.

Time, she gets away from me

2011-03-30T13:17:00.002-05:00

I have been a whirlwind as of late, and my head has been dizzy with ideas. Spring is approaching, and I itch to create and breathe and dream. I have passed this along to my daughter, and it makes me proud. She is me only better.

We play dollhouse. She picks dollhouse with Mommy over TV. And I am overwelmed. We will lay next to each other in her bed, not speaking, just enjoying each other's company, her head resting on my arm, each of us curled in to one another. Suddenly, she'll grab my hand in hers and whisper, "Mommy?" Yes? "I love you." And my heart bursts.

This morning, we enter her classroom, and as I ask for my daily hug and kiss, she wraps herself around me and says, "I want to stay with you today." I feel all-consumed and a painful ripping in my chest because I can't. I can't stay with her today. I have to let her go. I promise more dollhouse tonight, mentally cancelling plans to meet up with a friend. She happily agrees and sits down to color.

My girl is me, only better.

I wrote a new poem!

2011-03-16T14:32:00.004-05:00

I haven't written a real poem since 2001. I've done some writing exercises during the 10-year hiatus, but nothing substantial has come out them. I've been reading about Frances Mayes's adventures in Tuscany (author of Under The Tuscan Sun) for the past month, and the woman has seriously motivated and inspired me. Frances, you are my muse!

We Will Eat Our Land

I have big plans
Big plans for gardens
With my black thumb
And my bargain bin madness
Spending, spending
Money, money, money.

And it feels so good.

I see Italy in our backyard
A place to visit Nana and Pop
--Today, I wear her earrings.
Or were they my Aunt's?
Now I'll never know.

I feel so close.

I miss them.
I read the countryside
But I don't know it.
The woman in the book
Sees my grandparents everywhere

And I am jealous

Because I want them back.
Maybe they will bless my flowers, my vegetables
Bring the green, green summer
To my family
And me.
We will eat our land.
We will drink red wine
Sitting at the bright blue table
With the yellow accents.

I carry them with me.
The blooms, the colors show me their hearts.

Things I am thankful for today

2011-03-07T16:38:00.003-05:00

Old friends that make me smile
New friends that make me laugh
My daughter asking, "Mommy, can I come to work with you?"
My husband offering a massage "just because"
The new relationship I'm building with my sister
Good music
New books
Fresh air
The feel of spring trying to break through
My happy home
My life

The French Paradox, Buddhism, and getting back to my roots

2011-01-28T15:02:00.009-05:00

Where to begin?

Let's start with a breath. Then another. And another.

This is one of the first things I learned (or rather relearned) as I started reading Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh. My friend, Kristin, recommended the book after I sent her a quick message telling her I was interested in finding a new way to find balance and peace and release stress. This has been one of my new goals for 2011, and while slow going, it IS going.

I am very, very American. In every sense of the word. Everything is rush, rush, rush. No time. Running out of steam. A million thoughts zooming through my head. Multi-tasking. Be better. Be more. Go, go, go.

I hate it about myself, but I can't seem to stop or even control it. I am utter chaos (that would make a great band name, by the way).

The book has been difficult for me. I can't even give it the proper time it needs to be read because I can't seem to tell myself to slow the fuck down and really take in the words. Take in their meaning, the meaning behind their meaning, the beauty those words hold.

I suck.

It was like when I was reading Eat, Pray, Love. The most difficult section of the book for me was the prayer section. It was tedious. But that was the point. I firmly believe the author wrote it that way because it was so tedious for her. The thought of just sitting there, breathing, chanting, being with one's self... it scares the shit out of me. I wouldn't be able to sit still for more than 2 minutes. There's just way too much to be done.

I think the woman in that book was a lot like me. In the end though, she did learn to slow down. And I'm damn jealous of her.

This weekend, Harry, Ellie, and I made a trip up to my ex-father-in-law's house. About a year and a half ago, his daughter, my friend (and ex-sister-in-law) Kim, talked him into rebuilding his house. It went way over schedule, and truth be told, it's still not completed, but we decided it was about time we went to see the new place. Ellie and Kim's son, Niko (my Godson), are only about 5 months apart, and it had been a couple of months since they'd seen each other. I hadn't seen my ex-FIL in a while, but we had always gotten along. I thought it would be a nice little visit. I planned on maybe staying an hour, then heading back home.

I spied the house as I turned the corner onto the street (you didn't used to be able to see the house from that angle - it's THAT much bigger). It is gorgeous. Like "HOLY CRAP" gorgeous. We stepped in, and I fell in love with it. It has high ceilings, big beautiful windows, lovely dark, walnut floors, luscious paint colors on all the walls, glass mosaic tiles in the kitchen... I could go on and on. Kim really outdid herself.

I gave my ex-FIL, Jose, a hug, and Kim gave us the grand tour. After that was done, the kids went and played in the playroom downstairs while we chatted in the kitchen. A little while later, the kids wandered up hungry. Ellie wanted fruit, so Jose started breaking up grape bunches and cutting up apples for the kids. Soon, he had a full spread set out for kids and adults alike full of cheeses, crackers, fruits, and drink. He and I shared the last of his opened bottle of red while Kim and Harry cracked open a few beers. The kids had some cocoa.

I love cheese. Like seriously love cheese. But it's one of my "forbidden" foods. I don't eat it all that much anymore because it has a serious amount of saturated fat. But that day I decided to tell that skank that lives on my shoulder, reminding me of all the things I can't do, to shut her piehole. And I ate. And ate. And ate.

Jose opened a bottle of Spanish red (sooo good), and we had another glass each. We all sat around, talking, slicing off small pieces of cheese and eating it with crackers lightly covered in a sweet fig spread. Bliss. Absolute bliss. We did this for THREE HOURS. We didn't have to be anywhere. We didn't have to do anything. We were just enjoying the moment, the food, the company.

I cannot believe I sat anywhere for three hours and ate and drank that whole time.

And I loved every single minute of it.

Jose and I have never talked as much as we did last Sunday. I'm talking in total, the entire 15 years we've known each other. We talked more in one afternoon than all those years combined.

And we were both pleasantly surprised about how much we enjoyed the afternoon together. It's a strange crowd for sure, but it felt competely natural. And we both said we'd have to do it again very soon. We hugged again, and we took the 40 minute drive home slowly. It was a perfect day.

The next morning, I realized that I neglected to eat dinner that night. Me? Not eat dinner? Really? I also realized that while I thought I must have eaten 10 lbs of cheese, I had really only eaten maybe a couple of ounces. It was because I ate it so slowly that it felt like more. And my body didn't feel like crap the next day.

I joke a lot about how Ellie "eats like the French" with her cheese and crackers and fruit plates, but really, my kid is pretty damn healthy because of it. She gets a very good balance of protein, carbs, and fat this way. She is also the slowest eater on the face of the earth.

Me? I scarf my food down. I eat in like 10 minutes flat. And I do other things while I'm eating like work or make up lists or recite the Gettysburg Address. I never just sit and enjoy my food.

And that is wrong.

My kid, the French, Jose (who is from the Dominican Republic), my dad (who's from Italy)... they've got it right. When it's time to eat, they stop what they're doing. They eat slowly and with relish. They taste the food, and if it doesn't taste good, they don't eat it. Period. They eat lots of fruit, good quality cheeses, delicious homemade breads, etc.

And life is good because of it.

I found a few articles about The French Paradox, and it was like a lightbulb went off.

This is part of my journey.

I need to take time. I need to stop. I need to breathe. I need to stop eating all this American crap and get back to my roots (both Italian and French). I'll go easy on the Italian side because, well, there's no such thing as portion control in Italy. Your status in society actually seems to go up the more food you can consume.

One of the best quotes I read while studying the French Paradox was as follows: "French women refuse to accept being overweight," says Benchetrit, director of the Clinique du Poids weight loss clinic in Paris. "It is no secret that they want to be beautiful, in love, and take care of themselves so they look good." (taken from How Do the French Stay Slim?)

Also from that same article: "We sit down and eat for pleasure, using all of our senses," Mireille Guiliano, author of the best-selling book French Women Don't Get Fat, has said.

I love how French women actually "refuse to be fat". I love that idea.

I'm about to delve into yet another adventure inside my current adventure. This weekend, Harry and I are going to a wonderful little Italian restaurant alone. I will order a tomato and mozzarella salad-type dish for an appetizer, a lovely salad filled with dried cherries, walnuts, and warm goat cheese for an entree, and a decadent chocolate thing for dessert. I will wash it down with a glass or two of red. And I will savor every moment.

That's a 4-foot fence in the background

2011-01-27T11:37:00.005-05:00

We're stuck. Like really stuck. Since we live on a cul-de-sac off of a secondary road off of a main road, we're like the last place to get plowed. Eh. We live in New England. You'd think we'd be used to it by now.

The cat seems especially annoyed that we're all here today. Apparently we're cutting into her lay-around-the-house-and-be-lazy time. Sorry, feline. Do me a favor and go get a job. We need the extra cash.

I went to the kindergarten meeting here in town Tuesday night. Bad news is kindergarten here in our town is placement, not district. Say what? Since some schools only have 1/2 day kindergarten or 2 classrooms, if there are more children in the district than spots, they get shipped somewhere else for kindergarten only. Talk about difficulty transitioning. The good news is that we live in the district with the most spots since our school has 5 kindergarten classrooms, so we're guaranteed a spot at our neighborhood school (the same one I went to by the way).

I really feel for some of the families in town. They're worried about the transitions, about their kids making friends in kindergarten only to be whisked away from them the next year, about putting their tiny 4- or 5-year-olds on the scary school buses day after day, etc. The one district with the most kids (111 kids last year to be exact) has ZERO full day kindergarten openings. Seems it became a magnet school a few years ago and decided full day kindergarten wasn't necessary. So none of these kids have a homebase school. Unless families can somehow figure out how to find childcare for the remainder of the day since kindergarten is only 3 hrs long there, they HAVE to ship their kids off to a school that's possibly 8 miles away. That's kind of insane. And they're thinking of closing the closest elementary with full day kindergarten to that district in the coming school year as well. That means there will be absolutely NO schools besides the magnet school for the south section of town.

I don't get it.

While buying our house in a specific district was the whole reason we paid more for the house than it's probably worth, most people don't have that "luxury". It's expensive to live in this town regardless of what zip code you reside (though the north section has much higher mortgage payments). Both parents in the household need to work. Childcare is crazy expensive. I don't know how some families do it.

Sitting there, I realized once again how very lucky I am.

Yup

2011-01-26T16:41:00.000-05:00

(note: I stole this off of facebook, so credit to somebody somewhere)

Super Spy!

2011-01-23T19:07:00.002-05:00

My newest purchase... the super spy dress! Now I just need a little berret and to take up smoking again.

Life is Good and Other Things

2011-01-19T16:15:00.002-05:00

Jess at Ramblings of an Emotional Idiot (catchy title, no?) has bestowed upon me yet another blogger award. Come to find out my blog is the absolute first blog Jess started following (collective Awwwww!). I think that's pretty neat-o. Yes, I still say neat-o. I also still say stoked, which is what I am in regards to receiving said award. I'm also a dork.

So without further ado, what the award entails: I have to 1) thank Jess (Holla!), 2) answer some questions about moi (twist my arm, if I must talk about myself, I must), and 3) pass it on!

Q1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously so that you could be anonymous now? I started out un-anonymous (is that a word?) and still am. I've actually tried writing a blog incognito, and it just doesn't work for me. It feels fake, like I'm making the story up. And I suck at writing fiction. Making up names for real people just isn't my bag.

Q2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side. My entire life shows my inner stubborn side. To pick one incident though... hmmm... I give up. Nothing is coming to mind.

Q3. What do you really see when you look at yourself in the mirror? Most days I still can't believe it's me. The mirror no longer disgusts me. I'm pretty content with my body and my look. The only reason I maintain that I still need to lose 15 lbs is for the sake of my health, not the way I look.

Q4. What is your favorite summer cold drink? If we're talking non-alcoholic, iced coffee hands-down. I drink it by the bucketfuls. Otherwise, Jack and Diet Cola with a twist of lime is my favorite year-round cold drink. Vodka and Diet Root Beer is a very close second.

Q5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do? Usually read or sit quietly at a coffee shop. I occasionally like to go clothes shopping too. It's become something fun for me now that I can fit into things.

Q6. Is there something you still want to accomplish in your life? You know, honestly, I like where my life is. I don't really need anything more. I don't need to write a book or get a degree. I like to constantly learn, but I don't necessarily need more school for that.

Q7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching? Yeah, I was the overachiever. Annoyingly so.

Q8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see? The first time I held Ellie. There was no turning back. She utterly and amazingly changed my world in that one little, quiet moment just past midnight. And I will be forever in her debt for it.

Q9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people or events? I write about myself more than anything else. I know myself pretty well, and I'm not ashamed of who I am.

Q10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why? Anyone that knows me knows the answer to this. I DETEST talking on the phone. Like loathe it with the intensity of a thousand suns. And I lurve books.

And now to pass the torch:

1. My girl, Christina, at Chrissi's World
2. Uh-cuh-cuh (she hates me right now) at Leave Your Conscience at the Tone
3. Helpin' out Jess at Mommy Musings with some blog fodder to keep hers going
4. Jenni at My So Cal Life (awesome blog name!)
5. Anne Marie at Stay At Home Mommy Daze

and

6. Tip at Ghostspace Echoes, my newest blogger friend who shares my affinity for Ani Difranco, Neil Gaiman, and Clerks.

***

And speaking of Tip, he wrote a really interesting blog post the other day regarding eno. I said I'd give his little challenge to come up with 5 of our own cards a swing. So here are my 5:

1. What would you have done at the age of 22? Do the opposite.
2. Stop. Collaborate. Listen.
3. When you feel the need to yell, just breathe.
4. Visualize the outcome. Make it happen.
5. Accept your fuck-up because you still accomplished something while doing it.

Rock on.

Photo Blog

2011-01-10T10:44:00.002-05:00

I'm starting up a photo blog again, but this time instead of a 365-day deal, I'm doing 30 in 30. A few friends are also joining in the fun, and I encourage you to try it out too! This month's theme is simply "Day in the Life", which means you can take a picture of just about anything. If someone like me, who takes crappy pictures, can do it, so can you!

Follow us!

Alicia
Kristin
Kate
Jenni
Cathy

If you decide to play along, post your blog address in the comments section, and I'll add you to the list here.

The sleeve is complete!

2011-01-09T15:38:00.002-05:00

And it's beautiful. Better than I had hoped. Rock on.

I would walk 500 miles

2011-01-05T08:50:00.006-05:00

The Proclaimers - I Would Walk 500 Miles
Uploaded by nex3uk. - See the latest featured music videos.

I know you all hate me right now. That song will be stuck in your head all day.

This is the newest challenge I have decided to set for myself this year. I WILL walk 500 miles. Yesterday, I did my first 2. And it felt great. I can do this.

edit: 4 down, 496 to go!

Healthy Competition

2011-01-03T12:02:00.002-05:00

I am competitive by nature. That makes me annoying as hell.

Harry and I consumed massive quantities of food the past 2 weeks, and our jeans are telling the story. Dude, are they tight!

I was lucky enough to have lost a few pounds right before the holidays so the ones I ended up gaining brought me back to my baseline. Harry, not so much. Heh heh.

Yesterday, he decided it was time to start working out again. We have a Total Gym along with a bench and free weights downstairs in the basement that's only seen action from dust in the past year. I personally don't use either because the Total Gym is clunky (and my effin' hair got caught in it the first time I used it!) and I'd rather do free weights standing.

While sitting at dinner last night, I got a liiiiggghtbuuulb! I turned to him and asked, "How about a little competition?" and smiled. So we're doing it. Starting now until February 28th (when my WW's 3-months expires), the battle is on. The most percentage of weight loss in the next 8 weeks (we're Biggest Loser fans). Let's do this!

Truth be told, there's a bit of selfishness involved here. Doing Weight Watchers while my husband has been eating whatever the hell he wants has been difficult. I did it, but having that extra bit of help is just the push I need. And, honestly, I need Harry to get a little healthier. I'm not knocking him, but I want him around for a long time, ya know?

Ellie was bummed when she heard us talking about it and insisted she wanted to be a part of the contest. She said she wants to win a surprise! So her name is on the sheet up on the fridge. Good God please don't let that girl lose any weight! She's a peanut as it is.

The winner doesn't get anything physical. Simple bragging rights will suffice. Heh heh.

I am so gonna win this shit.

obsession/addiction

2011-01-02T15:56:00.003-05:00

I have a love/hate relationship with food. For years, I was extremely overweight, tipping the scales at over 100 lbs MORE than what my weight should have been. Yeah, you read that right. I was considered morbidly obese. At 5 feet tall, I weighed 227 lbs at my heaviest. That was around my freshmen year of college. I wore a size 22 jeans and 2x shirts.

I hit that weight again right before I gave birth to Ellie, but that's a whole other ballgame. I managed to only gain 27 lbs during my pregnancy, which was excellent. My doctor had advised me to try to keep my weight gain under 25 lbs, so at least I came close.

I lost the pregnancy weight rather quickly after having Ellie, and then stayed at my pre-pregnancy weight for another 3.5 years. Finally, in April of 2009, I had to buy size 18 jeans and realized I was heading into dangerous territory once again. At 202 lbs, I realized I needed to fix myself. I wasn't getting any younger, and I was afraid I was going to end up putting some major stress on my heart. My dad had a heart attack at age 44, and I wasn't going to end up like that.

A few friends were starting their own weight loss journeys around that time, so I threw myself into it and joined Weight Watchers. And it was the smartest thing I have ever done. With the help of Weight Watchers online and a fabulous group of women helping me along the way, I lost 57 lbs from May 2009-May 2010. I had willpower I didn't even know existed. I followed the plan religiously and integrated excellent and healthy foods into my every day life.

After I hit the year mark weighing in at 145lbs, the smallest I have been since the 5th grade, I decided to just maintain over the next 6 months. And I did just that. I overindulged a little, but I also ate healthy for the most part. A little cake never hurt anyone.

Right around October, I noticed some of my old eating habits creeping up on me again. I have a major sweet tooth with chocolate and baked goods being my weak spots. I noticed I was starting to binge eat on stuff like brownies and cookies. It's one of the worst habits I've had... I can't just have a taste. I need to eat 2 to 3 times more than what is considered normal. And then I feel like hell after because I've just consumed entirely too much sugar. And then I'm pissed at myself for being so weak.

So I joined Weight Watchers again right after Thanksgiving when their new points system went into effect. It took me a few days, but I got back into the swing of things and lost a few pounds right away. I was thrilled. I figured getting into it a few weeks before Christmas would help me keep the binging at bay.

That didn't happen.

My mom goes all out for Christmas, and this year was no exception. By the time Christmas was over, I was back up to 145. I tried to just accept that at least I had "maintained" by losing a few before the big holiday. Last week, I started the program again, losing a couple of pounds and feeling pretty good. Then Harry's birthday hit, and my niece's birthday, and another birthday party, and New Year's Eve, and yep, back to 145.

I get SO pissed at myself, and really, I should just give myself a break.

But it's the food. The damned food. I think about food all damn day. It's not healthy. It can't be healthy.

When doing Weight Watchers, everything is about points. Therefore, everything is about food. Your entire life revolves around the points. It can make you insane. It becomes an obsession.

I'm not knocking the program. I am saying that someone like me who has an obsessive personality can be all-consumed by the program. I have less than 20 lbs left to lose, and I just want to get there.

And I want to stop thinking about my next meal. My next fix. I just want to be normal.

Only I'm not quite sure what that is. There's still a fat girl locked inside this thinish girl's body. I look in the mirror or at pictures of myself, and I still sometimes have a hard time realizing it's me. I look and feel great physically, but emotionally, I'm still morbidly obese.

I didn't mean for this post to get so deep. I just needed to get it out. I don't want to be a slave to every single thing I decide to eat (or not eat). I just don't think I will ever get to a place where I eat something without thinking about it first. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Some Sleeve Action

2010-12-29T14:19:00.002-05:00

The sleeve is almost complete! A week from today will be my very last sitting for my right arm. And I'm so ready. It's been a little over a year in the making, and it's even better, brighter, and more beautiful than I ever imagined it could be.

Grimm Vinn, my artist, is phenomenal. Besides having massive talent, he's become a pretty good friend, too. I mean, I've spent at least 25 hours or so with him driving a needle across my arm, so we were bound to talk about something. We talked about lots of somethings and found out we have a lot in common.

It's been a fantastic experience. I had a lot of hours under the gun already before going on this new adventure, but this has been different. In so many ways. As much as I'd like to express my visions of art on my own, I can't. I'm a mediocre artist at best. BUT my tattoos help get my message across. They are me. They tell my story.

Do do do do dee do

2010-12-28T12:14:00.004-05:00

I believed in Santa until I was 12. TWELVE! And the only reason why I stopped believing was because one of my mom's friends totally screwed up and told my sister and me. I fought kids tooth and nail for years about Santa, sticking up for the big guy in red. He was REAL. I had seen him with my own eyes when was I was 3 and a half years old. I didn't care what all my friends thought; I knew the truth.

Then in one fell swoop, one sentenced uttered by an adult changed it all.

I recently read a blog post about the possibility of how "lying" to your kids about Santa will affect them. Will they be angry with you? Will they no longer believe other things you talk to them about, such as sex, drinking, and drugs? Will they no longer trust you?

If I'm any indication, the answer is no. I wasn't pissed at my mom in the least bit for keeping the magic, the spirit of Santa alive. I was pissed at her friend! How dare this woman crush my happiness, my hopes, my love of Santa and all-things-giving? Who the hell did she think she was?

For me (and for my husband as well), Santa is the embodiment of giving. He signifies generosity, caring, and compassion. Santa is magic, and we could all use a little magic in our lives.

This year, Santa was a huge hit at our house. It was the first year Ellie really got into it. Santa sent her a voice message and even a video! She went to visit him when we went to my sister's for the day at the Christmas Village in her town. We watched movies about Santa. She told us she knew Santa was watching, so she was trying to be on her best behavior. It was really sweet to see her so taken by the dude, just like I was when I was a kid.

Christmas Eve, we put out cookies and chocolate milk for Santa (because she KNOWS Santa prefers chocolate) and 9 carrots for the 9 reindeer. Ellie said she had to brush her teeth and go to bed NOW or Santa wouldn't come (and I swear we didn't tell her any of this; she got it from all the movies we watched). And the next morning, she asked if Santa had stopped by. Her face opening up each gift and exclaiming, "Just what I wanted!" even when it was a package of socks and underwear (seriously, she did), was just awesome.

It made my heart happy that she was so appreciative. She couldn't believe her luck! Santa really listened to her. She got her Singamajig, the one thing she really, really wanted. And she got a few things she didn't even ask for, like a couple of Barbies and some books. And Mom and Dad got her a bike! How cool! We didn't really go overboard (the bike was under $50!), and that worked out perfectly in the end because she wasn't overloaded and overwhelmed. We were able to open up the toys she got, and she's been playing with all of them the past few days. In fact, they've seen a lot of action because we were snowed in most of Sunday and yesterday.

And it seems her favorite part of the entire holiday weekend was being able to stay home with Mom and Dad and seeing almost the entire family over the course of a few days. She loves having so much family. She gets a kick out of going to everyone's house. It used to be a chore to go to so many places, but now, it's fun. She's no longer a fussy baby, and we don't have to watch her every move. She tends to disappear with her cousins within minutes of us arriving at whatever destination we land, and she emerges a couple of hours later, ready for the next house to hit.

She also got to play in the snow yesterday and go sledding for the first time. Dude, the sledding. She freakin' loved it. She ran in to tell me all about it and how Daddy said when she's 5, she can go on the sled all by herself. Her eyes were shining and her nose was all pink from the cold and her smile nearly ran from ear to year. I love to see that excitement.

This Christmas was the best so far.

Reunited and it feels so good

2010-12-23T11:42:00.004-05:00

Back in high school, I was a thespian. Yes, a thespian! Complete with jazz hands and jazz shoes and all that jazz (baaaad joke). We were an unusually large group of individuals ranging from band geeks (oh, how I love me a band geek) to artists to writers to football players (for realz yo). Here we are circa 1995:

This is our production of Jesus Christ Superstar done in period dress (weird since Superstar is normally a portrayal of the last 7 days of Christ set in "contemporary times" AKA late 60s/early 70s a la tie-dye, afros, and bell-bottoms). We're all sporting some extremely unflattering togas, and a good majority of us are barefoot. I'm the fat chick in the red shawl, just right of center. The makeup is heavy for stage effect; I swear we didn't normally go around looking like that.

It's been years since some of us have seen each other, 15 years in fact. We've managed to stay in touch through email and facebook, but we haven't had a gathering for a long time. This year I decided to remedy that.

I set up a reunion at a local bar where a couple members still tend. An event was set up on facebook and about 50 people were invited. Alas, the day arrived at the tail end of November, and we had a wonderful turnout:

Friggin' look at us! We're gorgeous! Seriously, we look fabulous for over 30. It was absolutely fantastic seeing everyone. We all had a great time. And now we're hoping to set something up (reoccuring) this summer. I've already offered my house for a shindig, so I'm gonna make it happen. A few people that live out of state said they may be able to make a summer meetup, so that has me super excited, too.

I'm so glad I decided to do this. I never got a high school reunion of any kind, and in the end, it was this group that I really wanted to see. Since we're all from different graduating years, there was no other way we would have ever been at a regular reunion together. This, THIS, made me happy.

Book List

2010-12-22T09:46:00.003-05:00

I have a healthy list of books I've read in 2010. Most fall in the sci-fi/fantasy/horror category, but that's my meat and potatoes. Here goes:

1. My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult
2. A Lion Among Men - Gregory Maguire
3. The Talisman (reread) - Stephen King/Peter Straub
4. Unaccustomed Earth - Jhumpa Lahiri
5. The Interpreter of Maladies - Jhumpa Lahiri
6. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Neffinegger
7. Dune Road - Jane Green
8. Different Seasons (reread) - Stephen King
9. The Dark Tower: The Fall of Gilead (graphic Novel)
10. Dead and Gone - Charlaine Harris
11. Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins
12. 20th Century Ghosts - Joe Hill
13. Horns - Joe Hill
14. Odd and the Frost Giants - Neil Gaiman
15. American Gods (reread) - Neil Gaiman
16. Dear John - Nicholas Sparks
17. Houses Without Doors - Peter Straub
18. A Dark Matter - Peter Straub
19. A Touch of Dead - Charlaine Harris
20. Catching Fire - Suzanne Collins
21. The Gates - John Connelly
22. World War Z - Max Brooks
23. Skeleton Crew (reread) - Stephen King
24. The Living Dead - John Joseph Adams (editor)
25. Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut
26. Blockade Billy - Stephen King
27. Dead in the Family - Charlaine Harris
28. The Lost Symbol - Dan Brown
29. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? - Philip K. Dick
30. Queen of Babble Gets Hitched - Meg Cabot
31. Marley and Me - John Grogan
32. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley
33. The Tenth Circle - Jodi Picoult
34. Full Dark, No Stars - Stephen King
35. Bloodwork - Michael Connelly
36. Pork Pie Hat - Peter Straub
37. Mockingjay - Suzanne Collins
38. Lovecraft's Legacy: A Centennial Celebration of H.P. Lovecraft - Robert Bloch (editor)
39. The Wailing Wind - Tony Hillerman
40. Black House (reread) - Stephen King/Peter Straub

Not bad. Not my standard book-a-week, but I remember trudging through a few. Some were excellent, others have now sworn me off some authors (I'm lookin' at you, Nicholas Sparks). I'm hoping to hit 50 for 2011. I think I can do it.

My lettter to my 16-year-old self

2010-12-21T09:58:00.002-05:00

Hi there,
I'm you. And I'm more than twice your age right now. That's right, I'm old.

You're pretty angsty right now, and well, that's ok. You're 16. You're supposed to be. I'm trying to think right now what you'd like to know, and well, since you're me, just younger, I think you'd want to know everything. Right? Right.

So. Next year, you'll start hanging out with this really great guy. You become extremely good friends in an extremely short amount of time. He helps you get over that other guy, the one you've been pining away for all year (who, by the way, you're still friends with - crazy). He's got some baggage already at a young age, but he's amazing. He really is. And even though he has a girlfriend, it ends up he likes you. Only you don't find out until it's too late. Yeah, it sucks.

You end up dating this other guy with the same name. He's also part of the theatre troup. And, unfortunately for you, you marry him. At the age of 20. Because you're stupid. Sorry but you are.

When you finally get the guts to leave him, you're already in love with someone else. Don't act so surprised. You know it's possible. You fall hard for guys. You know that. Especially the ones that want to help you.

He's a good guy. He's got some baggage (they ALL have baggage, Hon). It doesn't work out. It ends badly. You don't really speak to each other for years. And that sucks because you were both REALLY good at being friends. The upside is you find your way to each other again, and you end up with a great friendship.

The reason why it ends badly though... that's your fault. You totally fuck up. You do something so monumentally stupid I don't even want to talk to you about it. I wish I could stop it, but I think it's going to happen no matter what. I think it has to happen.

A couple of years later, you meet this other guy. His name is Harry. Yes, I'm telling you his name! Know why? Because you end up marrying him. And you have a child with him. And you build a wonderful life with him. But the only way you meet him is because of all of this other crap. So you can't change anything. You don't want to change anything. Because I'll tell you right now, your life at the age of 33 is fan-fucking-tastic. You have a wonderful husband, you live in a cute little house (dude, I didn't even tell you about having to live with your sister for 11 years - my condolences), you have a good job (you're not teaching - surprise!), and you have the most amazing little girl on the planet. You still cannot believe how fucking lucky you are.

And sometimes you take it for granted. Most people do. Now and then though, you sit back and think about all that you have. And you're thankful. So very thankful. Today is one of those days. Today I sit and talk to my 16-year-old self, and I condemn you to a few really crappy years because I want you to really understand what you end up with. Can you do that? Are you strong enough?

I think you are.

Love you girl,
Me

Resolve: to come to a definite or earnest decision about

2010-12-20T15:56:00.003-05:00

New Year's is coming up, and so do the resolutions. I don't normally make formal ones, more just thoughts on things, like "this coming year, I should lose weight". How many years did I have THAT as a resolution? I shudder at the thought. Interestingly enough, my follow through on that resolution started in MAY of 2009.

Which leads me to not waiting until New Year's to make my resolutions (yeah, yeah, I'm still close, I know). So here's what I've resolved to do or change:

1. Be more positive - I've been told on more than one occasion that I can be negative at times. I've always seen it as practical, but maybe it's really more than that. Maybe I think the worst so I'm pleasantly surprised when it doesn't happen. Maybe I think the worst in hopes of warding off that terrible thing occurring. Maybe I'm just comfortable in negative skin. Whatever the reason, maybe trying on the positive for a change can change, maybe not the outcome, but just ME and how I deal with the outcome.

2. Learn to de-stress - I need this one bigtime. I'm an angerball. I can flip out over the littlest things. And I usually end up taking it out on myself or a person who actually has nothing to do with my anxiety or anger. That just sucks ass. Why should I yell at my kid when it's her father I'm really pissed at? Why should I be cranky at work because my kid was acting up that morning? Why should my husband hear me bitch and complain because a coworker bites.

3. Complain less - like a lot less. I tend to complain more than the average person. It's my nature. I learned it from my parents. I think I do it because it makes me feel better about myself. Shit, that wasn't easy to admit. I would love to be a laidback chick. More than anything, I want to be that.

4. Get a new hobby - If you ask people what I like to do as a hobby, most will say "read". Maybe "listen to music". Those have been my hobbies for like 20 years. And there's nothing wrong with them. I'd just like to learn something new. Like knitting. Get ready to get a shload of scarves from me!

5. Say what I really mean - I tend to skirt around the truth of something just so I don't hurt someone's feelings (this happens with Harry a lot). And in the end, I get hurt. And nothing gets accomplished or (wait for it)... resolved. It's like running around in a fucking circle. I'm ready to just say this shit and have done with it.

I'm looking for some kind of zen, a place in myself that's comfortable and peaceful. There is no peace in my mind, and that's sad. Maybe I should try to start a form of meditation. Maybe I should start doing yoga again. Maybe I should just sit in a quiet room and clean out my head.

It's a Very Shenry Christmas: Part VII: Flux and Flow

2010-12-17T09:28:00.002-05:00

Well hello there! Remember me? The girl that once used to blog every single day? Yeah, her! Where the hell has she been?

I'll tell you! With lots of exclamation points!

I've been a busy little worker bee here at the office. Good kind of busy, but busy nonetheless. I have been spending time with Harry and Ellie doing all sorts of fun and relaxing Holiday things. I've been meeting up with friends, being a lot more social, and taking a little extra me-time as of late. And it's all wonderful.

I have lots of posts to write, and hopefully I'll be able to get to them soon. For now, a fun post!

My friend, Shenry, has been hosting a CD swap each Christmas for the past 7 years. I was involved in the second one (I think), then kind of fell off the face of the earth. He invited me to join in the festivities again this year, and I readily accepted. I love making mixes! It's been a few years since I've made one, so I was totally up for the challenge.

So without further ado, the playlist. The awesomeness.

It's a Very Shenry Christmas: Part VII: Flux and Flow

1. Backstabber - The Dresden Dolls
2. Kids - MGMT
3. Everybody's Stalking - Badly Drawn Boy
4. Dictionary - Hooverphonic
5. I've Been Waiting For You - David Bowie
6. Ride - Cary Brothers
7. Babylon - David Gray
8. Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
9. Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons
10. When Your Mind's Made Up - The Swell Season
11. Daydreamer - Adele
12. Nylon Smile - Portishead
13. Set the Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol
14. Everlasting Light - The Black Keys
15. Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) - The Arcade Fire
16. The First Taste - Fiona Apple
17. Follow the Cops Back Home - Placebo

If anyone would like a copy, totally hit me up!

Disgustingly Coupley

2010-11-15T10:30:00.002-05:00

You like me, you really like me!

2010-10-27T14:28:00.003-05:00

I got an award last week and totally flaked on my thank you. Ass. So without further ado...

I have been awarded the Versatile Blogger Award from Jess over at Ramblings of an Emotional Idiot. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

The rules are to thank my benefactor, give you 7 juicy tidbits about myself, and tagging a shload of people. But I'z gonna break the rulez. I no tag. I lame, I know.

Anyway, the 7:

1. I am left-handed. Did you know that?
2. I cannot drive a stick shift.
3. I cannot swim.
4. I am far-sighted.
5. I have never broken a bone.
6. I remember vowing that I would "ALWAYS love Madonna's music." That makes me chuckle.
7. I am a type A (nooooo! really?)

That was the most boring 7 list ever!

Field trips and charity work and baking, oh my!

2010-10-25T11:45:00.009-05:00

My weekend was filled with baking and charity work and all-things-Ellie. It was wonderful. We started off on Friday with Ellie's field trip to the pumpkin patch. Dude, so much fun! El and I had a great time. 12 parents chaperoned! All together we had 16 adults adn 24 kids. That's quite the ratio! The kids and adults both had an excellent time. It was freakin' freezing, but luckily, I came prepared with hoods and gloves for me and my little shadow.

El was stuck to me like white on rice from the moment I walked in the door. All the other kids were busy still talking to each other while their parents stood in the background of classroom. Not my kid! We're going through another phase of separation anxiety for sure, but I must admit I love that she wants to be near me.

We rode the bus (without seatbelts - yikes!) and it was a lot bumpier than I remember busrides back in the day. We took a tractor ride, picked out our pumpkins, fed the animals (those goats are persistent! one actually got out of the pen!), then had a picnic lunch before heading back on the bus once again to school. When we got back, Ellie pleaded to come home with me, but I had to go to work to help finish setting up for our 1st ever Haunted House at my company. I promised her she'd see me and get to go trick or treating in just a few hours, but one of the teachers still had to pry her off me.

(Ellie's Pumpkin. The girl LOVES stickers)

The Haunted House was a HUGE success! We had so much fun setting up our room (each dept had their own room to decorate and the winning dept got a $200 gift card to a local restaurant). We went with a pumpkin patch theme at the front of the room and sectioned off the back for our "Mad Scientist" section for the older kids. We had pumpkin decorating, cupcake decorating, a professional photographer set up in the corner, the works! People kept coming back to our room after they saw all the others. Ellie had a blast. And... my team won! Woot woot.

The Haunted House was just one of the many fundraisers we've had at our office the past 5 weeks for Breast Cancer Awareness. My company raised $6500 this year, and we ranked #2 overall. Not too shabby. We've been #1 in the past, but the Hamden Public School System beat us this year with $8000. That's pretty incredible for this economy.

The walk for Breast Cancer Awareness was yesterday, and although parking and traffic was atrocious, the walk itself was lovely and inspiring. Harry and Ellie joined me this year, and we all had a wonderful time. This will be something we do as a family for years to come for sure. The turnout was insane! And lucky for us, the weather was really nice.

Besides the walk, I also had a wedding shower to go to last night, so I was baking cookies all Saturday for the walk and the shower. Call me Betty Crocker.

Pumpkin Season!

2010-10-01T11:51:00.002-05:00

Yay, it's October 1st! And what does that mean? It's time to pick the pumpkins!

I've always loved Halloween and all that goes with it, but becoming a mom has made it even more fun and exciting. Why? Well, because my kid freakin' LOVES the pumpkin patch. Like seriously LOVES it. She loves to push around the cart, pickin' the perfect pumpkin, checkin' out the pigs, playing on all the cute animal cut-outs posted throughout the patch to have her picture taken, the works. We've been going with her since 2008, and she STILL remembers that first trip, like vividly remembers it. It's kinda freaky seeing as she wasn't even 2-years-old yet. She talks about it all the time. And when I told her we were going to pick out pumpkins this weekend, she immediately asked, "Is Nico coming?" Nico is my Godson, and he came with us on that first trip to the patch back in '08. Apparently, Nico needs to be there for the full pumpkin experience. LOL. So I shot his mom an email, and I hope they can make it.

Along with the pumpkins, the white variety being my favorite, we usually get a couple of hay bales to decorate our yard. We've got scare crows and lots of wooden signs and stuff to decorate as well. Harry and I love this crap. Seriously. We're big kids when it comes to Halloween.

Last month, Ellie told us she was going as a princess for Halloween this year. Harry and I were secretly pleased because she already has 4 princess dress-up costumes, so that means we don't have to buy one! Woot. Well, she threw us for a loop this past weekend when my friend, Tom, asked her what she was going to be and she replied, "Buzz Lightyear!" Uh, excuse me? Who are you going as?

So I broke down and ordered a Buzz costume for her. I showed her the picture of it, and man, is that girl excited. Unfortunately, she has also told me that this costume will allow her to fly. Greeeaaatt. Let's hope she doesn't try to test that theory out. By the way, I TOLD her people can't fly. She insisted Buzz can, to which I replied, "BUZZ IS A TOY" a la Woody. If you haven't seen the movie, you won't think that's funny.

Oh, and Ellie has told me that I can be a witch for Halloween. I have no choice in the matter. I'm a witch. I asked if I could be a princess with her, and she flat out said no.

What makes pumpkin season all the more exciting is that it's just the beginning of festivities to come. First comes pumpkins and Halloween, immediately followed by Ellie's birthday. Then comes Thanksgiving, then the Christmas season, then Harry's birthday and New Years. We usually have a very full schedule these last few months out of the year, and I'm so looking forward to it.

In addition, I have decided to set up a reunion for my high school theatre guild the weekend after Thanksgiving. It's going to be awesome. I haven't seen some of these people in 15 years! People are already so excited about it, which makes me happy. My class never had a reunion of any sorts, and really, the people I miss the most are my theatre peeps, so this is a totally win/win for me. So what if I had to do it myself to make it happen? It's happening and people are thrilled. That makes me smile. It's going to be great.

I love my house

2010-09-21T14:38:00.003-05:00

I've been going home on my lunch break the past couple of days. And I love it.

It's weird getting so attached to an inanimate object. "Dude, it's just a house." For me, though, my house, my home, is full of life. I'm having a hard time even trying to explain what it means to me.

Growing up, my mom's house was safe. Warm. Comfort. I lived there for 18 years and knew every square inch of it. But now whenever I go there to see Mom, it's just a house. I'm just visiting. The memories aren't there anymore for some reason.

I've tried to block out all the years in The Bat Cave. I have fond memories of my time living there, but I don't associate them with that house. I walked around the yard there the other day, turned to Harry, and said, "Yep, don't miss it at all." He agreed.

This house, though, our house, has already given us so much pleasure. We happily fork over the mortgage payment. I dance a little jig up the steps of town hall to pay the taxes. Yeah, I'm crazy. Yeah, I dance jigs. Wanna make something of it?

Sure, we work hard for it. Sure, it was a long road getting there, actually purchasing this house (and hell, we've still got 20 years to go). And sure, it represents new beginnings, better days, and my happy life.

But again, it's more than that. I sit there, enjoying the silence when no one else is around. It calms me down. It brings me peace. It's an extension of me. It protects my family (like me). It brings us all comfort. There's no place else I'd rather be (although a nice hotel on a beach is nice once in a while).

School Days

2010-09-16T08:42:00.006-05:00

Summer was extraordinarily busy, and our schedule still hasn't really let up any. We're enjoying it though. We've been finding lots of fun things to do on the weekends as well as occasional trips to the library on weekdays for pajamarama story time. It's just what it sounds like... someone (a father of a couple of the kids who attends) reads a few stories to the kids, and the kids get to come to the library in their pjs. It's a lot of fun.

I've also seen some old friends over the past month or two. I got together with the guys (Mike, Kevin, and Tom) and all our spouses at the end of July at Archie's. We of course drank copious amounts of beer and shouted entirely too much. Mike seems to have that effect on me for some reason. I get extremely loud in his presence.

Here we are! Don't we look awesome?

I also met up with some old friends from high school, Beth and Shannon. We went out for drinks one Tuesday night, and we've decided to make it a monthly thing. We're meeting again October 5th. Good times!

And I met up with my friend, Dawn, who I haven't seen in a couple of years. We used to work together at the mall, and she stuck by me when I was all kinds of messed up in the head back in my 20s (weren't we all?). We went out for drinks and pizza this past Sunday and had a great time. We're hoping to get together with our menfolk soon.

And the biggest and bestest news of the summer... Ellie started Preschool! She's doing awesome. The actual Pre-K program started a couple of weeks ago, and Ellie's learning is off the charts! She's like a sponge. It makes me so happy to see her enjoying learning so much. The first time I saw her write her name, I cried. Leaps and bounds my friends, leaps and bounds.

She's been learning to write all her letters and what sounds they make. I think it's a very real possibility that she may be able to read by the end of this school year. She's crazy over books. We go to the bookstore nearly every week, and she loves taking books out at the library too. She even *gasp* sometimes asks for me to read her a story instead of watching TV. Like whoa.

She's been drawing a lot too. She brings home at least 2 drawings a day it seems. Here's one of our family, Luna the cat included:

Besides all that, we've been going to festivals and fairs and all that good stuff besides. We're planning on hitting 2 country fairs this weekend and an arts and artisans festival next weekend. It's good to get out of the house and get Ellie used to crowds. She's been excellent I must say.

Tomorrow, I'm taking a 1/2 day at work so I can take Ellie to see Teri, our daycare provider. Ellie had to adjust a bit from daycare to preschool, and she misses Teri and her friends there a lot. She asks about them all the time, and I figured I've let enough time pass that we can finally make a visit. I wanted to make sure she understood that we weren't going BACK to Teri's; we're just dropping in to say hi. Fingers crossed she gets it!

That's all folks. Until next time. Peace.

Clotheslines

2010-07-12T10:47:00.005-05:00

A post by a new follower hit me emotionally hard yesterday. Read it when you have the time; it’s very good. It was about receiving her grandmother’s clothesline recently. She mentions that she bought the house next door to her grandmother, and I couldn’t believe the coincidence.

I grew up with my grandparents. Both of my parents worked, so I spent every weekday with Nana and Pop until the age of 5, then every weekday afternoon with them after school until I was 12 or 13. They are the biggest, brightest, and most memorable part of my childhood. I look back on the afternoons playing outside, selling tomatoes out front with my grandfather (yes, for those of you that lived in my town, my grandfather was The Tomato Man on Nichols), watching The Price is Right with him, making cookies with Nana, and even having the soot practically burned off my feet at the end of the day when Nana “washed” them in scalding hot water, fondly.

As an adult, I look back, and I realize how amazing it all was. How many kids grew up like I did? Even the shadow of my parents’ divorce can’t deny how wonderful it was.

As I became a teenager, I did what most teenagers did, and that was to be extremely annoyed with most adults. My grandmother drove me CRAZY. She meant well, but, to be honest, she was nosey. LOL. She couldn’t help it. It was just her nature. My grandfather was still regarded as the most amazing man I’d ever met, so while I wasn’t annoyed with him, I was sometimes annoyed with the fact that I was missing out on time with my friends because I had to be at their house. At one point, my family and I even moved in next to them. My grandmother watched us like a hawk from the comfort of her bedroom window. She was the neighborhood eyes and ears, “spying” on everyone from the various windows of her house. I laugh about it now. It’s actually endearing. But back then, it irked everyone to no end.

We ended up moving back to our family home just a few months later (that’s another horror story all together, and one not for today). I know it bummed Nana out, but it was best for my mom, my sister, and me. We still saw them every weekend when my dad had visitation rights. That lasted until I was about 17 or 18 when I decided I didn’t want to see my dad much, but I still went and visited them on my own when I wasn’t working weekends and had no other plans. They appreciated whatever time I gave them; I didn’t realize that until years later. They were always so happy to see me.

At the age of 20, my sister and I, and our respective families, once again moved into the house next door to my grandparents. They were delighted. My grandmother could once again keep tabs on us to her heart’s content. She watched from her windows. She’d call the moment I got home, and she’s always ask, “Are you home?” which made me laugh and irritated me at the same time. Of course I’m home, Lady; I’m answering the phone, aren’t I? Sometimes I’d say “no” when she asked, and that always got her giggling.

She’d come by and ask me what time I got home the night before. Don’t think I didn’t see you watching through your window, Nana! You know I got home at 3. Heh heh. I never called her out on it, but no matter what time it was, she was watching. She’d ask about the guy she saw leave late at night (Uh, yeah, he’s just a friend. Yeah, that one too.), she wanted to know who owned the silver car that was parked in the driveway nights-on-end for months (I don’t think she ever did get to meet him; I wish I had taken the time to introduce them), she wondered what I did out so late at night. I usually ignored most of the questions or changed the subject. Surprisingly, I introduced her to Harry very early on. When I did, she said to me, “Make sure you feed him.” Harry turned to me and said, “I like her.”

I’m glad I introduced them as early as I did because it wasn’t long after, maybe a month or two, when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. She lived for another 8 months, and even that was too long in my opinion. She was in awful pain for those 8 months, and it killed me to see her like that, so weak, so small, so helpless. Nana was fierce. She was a firecracker, that one. The cancer made her meek and timid and quiet. Every time I saw her, it broke my heart.

I think about her every day. Every single day. Most of the time, I remember some trivial thing she said or did, and it makes me smile. Other times, I’m left a bit empty knowing she never met my daughter. She would have absolutely adored Miss Ellie. Another me. It would have tickled her to see how alike my daughter and I are. My younger sister says that Ellie is Nana reincarnated; she has some of her mannerisms for sure. I don’t know if I believe that, but it’s a nice thought nonetheless.

And I think about clotheslines, which is what this post is supposed to be about. I tend to run at the mouth when talking about my grandparents because I simply want to share as much as I can about them. Please pardon my excessiveness.

One of the best long-going memories of my grandmother is about her clotheslines. She had at least 4 outside and another 2 or 3 in her basement. She loved those damn things. The Big One, which started at the top of the back porch and ran all the way to a 30-foot pole at the center of the property boundaries, was her favorite. You could hang a few sets of sheets on that sucker. And you could hang your clothes standing right on the porch. It was used daily for years. There were two more at head-level that ran half the property boundary, and a forth strung in the yard between two trees. The ones in the basement were hung between basement poles and plumbing pipes. If there was a spot you could hang one, she did.

As a little girl, I’d watch her hang the clothes out every day. I’d hold the clothespin bag for her. As an adult, living next door, I’d watch her from my kitchen window. As a child and an adult, I’d sometimes stand under the sheets on The Big One and run through them. I loved doing that. I remember the winters, when she still insisted on hanging the clothes outside, bringing them in hard and brittle and crispy, and STANDING THEM UP in front of the heater grate to defrost. I remember everyone sitting around the kitchen table laughing hysterically at the sight of my grandfather’s trousers standing up by themselves.

I have a clothesline in my basement strung up between two poles. I used it every time I do the wash. And I think of her. Simple as that.

Ocean City, MD!

2010-07-06T11:58:00.007-05:00

We got back from our lovely trip to Ocean City last week, and I have to say, it was one of the best vacations we've ever taken. I don't think I've ever relaxed so much on a vacation in my life. AND it was also a lot of fun vacationing with other people we knew. We kept running into people in the halls of the hotel, down by the pool, etc all weekend. It was neat! Yes, I said neat.

A few picture highlights from the weekend for your viewing pleasure:

This first shot is a rare shot of my little girl. I normally don't post pics of her on here, but because you can't really see her face, I decided it was OK. So here she is with Daddy playing in the sand on the beach directly in front of our hotel.

Next is a shot of yours truly in my kickass Calvin Klein LBD (little black dress for those of you not of the female persuasion). I'll go ahead and say it; I'm hot. I still cannot believe how flattering and wonderful this dress is. I want to wear it every day.

Next is the groom and his best man. Oh yeah, for those who forgot, we were going down to Ocean City for an old friend's wedding. The tall dude on the right is that friend. Tom and I went to high school together, and we've been friends for a long, long time. The best man is also an old school friend (like junior high!), the stud-man (his last name is Studley), Kevin. And yes, your eyes are not decieving you. They're wearing brown suits, not black.

Next is the bride walking down the aisle with her dad and stepdad. I've only known Stacey for a couple of years or so, but I dig her. She and Tom work. They compliment each other very well.

And the kiss!

And they're married. His face is kinda priceless in this picture.

Last is a wonderful pic either Kevin or his wife was kind enough to snap of Harry and me dancing to our wedding song (Somewhere Over the Rainbow by IZ) during the reception. It was a nice surprise to suddenly hear it playing, and Harry, who DOES NOT DANCE asked if I'd like to take a spin on the dancefloor. It made my night.

We've already decided that we'll be going back to both Ocean City and the hotel we were staying at next year. That's how much we liked it. We may even go down with the same friends if they're game; we talked about it briefly while we were there. Kevin has a son less than a year older than Ellie, and the two kids (hell, even his little one) had a great time together. It was/is a win-win situation for all.

We had another nice long weekend this past weekend as well for the holidays, and it ended up being fantastic as well. We entertained on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and aside from our dryer dying on us and scrambling to get a new one yesterday (fun!), it was a weekend for the books. I want more of them! We're entertaining yet again tomorrow night, so it looks like I'm getting my wish.

Finally, a moment!

2010-05-26T15:30:00.006-05:00

Birthday week was wonderful. My tattoo appointment ended up being cancelled, which was a major bummer. As you can see from my last post though, it was rescheduled for the next week. It came out beautifully, and I'm so happy with it. I have yet another appointment next week to finish up my upper arm, and then I'm waiting until the fall to finish the sleeve entire because, well, tattoo healing in the summer sucks ass. How the hell do you cover it up in 90* weather, ya know? I'll pick it back up in September.

I got my haircut on Wednesday as planned, and I'm still loving it short. I have another appointment this coming Sunday (this cut means a lot of upkeep, like a trim every 3-4 weeks), and Miss Ellie will be getting her first professional cut that morning too! I'm really excited for her. My talents only go so far, and well, her hair needs a good trim.

Thursday, the day of my birthday, was an incredible day. We took Ellie to D&D for a pink donut (they're kiddie crack you know), then dropped her off at daycare for the day. Harry and I proceeded to the casino after rush hour traffic had let up. The burgers at Bobby's Burger Palace are PHENOMENAL. If you live near one, go get a burger. Now. And the shakes? Good Lord, the dark chocolate shake is to die for. They even make them with alcohol in them. I'm so trying one of those next time.

I lost my $20 gambling (big spender, I know), but Harry won $125! Score. We mosied on over to the outlets where he let me pick out whatever I wanted (I only got 2 shirts) then gave me 1/2 the winnings remaining because he's so awesome. We picked Ellie up from daycare, I did a little more birthday shopping (and scored a cute polka dot dress), then we went home to make pizza for my birthday dinner (when I say we, I mean Harry). We ate pizza till we busted, then became total sloths and indulged in the Italian rum cake my mom bought for me.

After cake, Harry and I drove off to the Mexican restaurant I mentioned to meet up with Lea and Patrick and Kevin and Heather for drinks. It was a great night! The margaritas were super strong, the company was lovely, and I looked pretty killer in a red tank with matching red crocodile heels. Yes, I'm totally calling myself a hottie.

THEN, as if that's not enough, Kate and Chloe showed up the next day for their weekend visit. Meeting the both of them was awesome, and I wish they lived closer. Ellie's been talking about Chloe daily, and I enjoyed all the chatting I did with Kate (girl can talk just as much as I can! Love it).

We just loafed around the house the whole weekend, but there ain't nothin' wrong with that. We watched the girls play, we imbibed a drink or two, and we talked A LOT. I was sad to see her go, and I hope we can go down to VA to visit her soon.

Since then, I've just been trucking, working like a fiend, going on playdates for Miss Ellie, doing a little more shopping (oh, how I love it), and enjoying the fabulous sunshine. I picked up a Calvin Klien LBD and some Steve Madden heels in addition to the polka dot birthday dress that I plan on wearing to Tom and Stacey's wedding since the pretty copper dress I originally bought for it no longer fits (it's too big!). I will post pics of said LBD because I love it, love it, love it. Dude, it's a size 6. A freakin' size 6.

Lastly, I will leave you with a pic of me in my other polka dot dress the day of Stacey's wedding shower a couple of months ago. My hair was longer and I was a few pounds heavier, but damn, I think I look good. I'm so full of myself now.

I am alive but have no time

2010-05-14T14:39:00.002-05:00

I will eventually get to the post about birthday week. I promise!

For now, my newest ink:

Birthday Week!

2010-05-03T08:49:00.003-05:00

I haven’t been this excited about a birthday in 10 years or so. I have no idea why 33 is so important to me, but it is. And although I moan and groan about how old I sometimes feel, being thirtysomething has been quite the adventure. I’m loving my thirties way more than my twenties. I feel like I accomplish things, I feel I have a voice. I actually *gasp* feel like a grownup. When did that happen?

I have a wonderful array of friends, and I’ve been seeing and meeting more and more of them face to face the past couple of years. I love being social, and Harry’s slowly been following me along for the ride. Once upon a time, Harry was pretty social himself, but those were the days of bar-hopping and a little puff puff on the side.

Well, our social calendar just opened up a little more for this summer because, drumroll please, my mom and Harry have made this fantastic deal. I give Harry all the credit for this genius. He suggested that instead of hiring a lawn service, my mom could hire him to cut the grass this summer. His payment? We get one night a week to go out. Just the two of us. We now have a weekly babysitter. I. AM. STOKED. We’re already planning on going to see a few movies, going bowling, dinner with friends, date night, etc. The possibilites are endless.

As for the agenda this week, it’s a pretty full but kickass schedule. Today is just a regular Monday (boo). Tomorrow, I have a ½ day because I’m getting a HUGE section of my tattoo done in the afternoon. We’re doing a long sitting and doing my entire forearm. I’m continuing with the flowers all the way down to my wrist on the outer portion, and I’m getting a Day of the Dead skull for my grandparents on the inner part. I can’t wait to see what Vinn comes up with. I gave him the thumbs up to design the whole thing. It’s going to be rad for sure.

Wednesday is a regular work day, but I have an appointment for a haircut, which I always enjoy. An hour of pampering just for me. Love. I’m keeping it short and am, in fact, getting a little more taken off the front. Just a little. I’m loving the style, and Harry has really grown to like it, possibly even love it.

Thursday is my birthday! Harry and I took the day off so we can go to the casino. We’ll probably go to D&D with Miss Ellie first thing in the morning so she can celebrate Mommy with a pink donut. Heh heh. Pink donuts are crack to kids; did you know that? Then we’ll drop her off at daycare for the day and head on up to Mohegan. We’ll probably stop at some of the outlet stores on I-95 along the way. We’ve been meaning to check out these outlets for years now. We’ll probably play some slots, shop a little more, and then, THEN we’ll head off to the real reason we’re going to the casino. Bobby’s Burger Palace. Oh, yes, it will be mine. A few months ago, I told Harry the only thing I really wanted to do for my birthday was get a burger at Bobby Flay’s new place. It opened up at the casino sometime last year, and ever since I heard about it, I’ve been dying to try it. It doesn’t take much to make me happy.

After we pick Ellie up from daycare, we’re going to hit my favorite clothing store to pick out my birthday gift together. I love surprises, but when it comes to clothes, I really like picking them out myself with a little help from the peanut gallery.

After that, Harry’s making pizza for dinner (my choice and oh so good), and my mom will be joining us. Then THE CAKE. And not just any old cake. An Italian Rum Cake from Del Prete Bakery in Bridgeport. It is my favorite all-time cake EVAH! We’ve been getting this cake from Del Prete for over 30 years for various occasions. No other cake even comes close. The Mezzo’s bakery rocks (holla!). It helps to know the owner’s kids:). I went to school with all three of them.

Then after that, my mom is staying with Ellie so Harry and I can meet up with some of my old high school (even elementary school!) friends for margaritas at a local (chain) Mexican place. It’s a Thursday night, so it will be an early evening, but I really hope everyone can make an appearance. I know we’ll have a good time.

If that wasn’t enough excitement for a week, Friday gets even better. How? Well, I have some out-of-town guests coming up for a visit. I already mentioned it before, but it bares repeating. Kate, a friend from Maya’s Mom, is tracking her butt all the way up to CT from VA to see me, and she’s bringing the Lovely Miss Chloe with her. I am so unbelievably excited for this visit. Kate and I have never met, but I feel like I’ve known her for ages. It figures that she actually used to live in CT, but I didn’t “meet” her until after she had moved out of the state. What are the freakin’ odds?

I plan on feeding her well, drinking copious amounts of alcohol with her, chatting into the wee hours of the morn, and maybe a little shopping on the side. Also a possible trip to the zoo for the kids. Mostly, we’ll just be relaxing in my backyard, provided the weather cooperates. I’m keeping my fingers crossed on that. As of right now Friday and Sunday are sunny, but we may be getting some thunderstorms on Saturday. Ick. Let’s hope that changes to sun for the whole weekend.

I’ll have lots to report Monday morning I’m sure. Woo hoo for birthday week!

Well I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you

2010-04-28T09:57:00.002-05:00

We ended up having our talk yesterday. I got home, and I could tell he was on edge, hoping we could. When I asked if he was ready to talk now, he kind of breathed a sigh of relief and said yes.

Ellie was napping on the sofa (she never does that so late in the day - very strange), so we sat on our bed together to talk. Harry had not only written his list down, but he'd written more down than I had. I made sure to let him know how much that meant to me at some point during our talk because it's very out of character for him. It showed me how important this was to him, too.

I went first because I had asked for the talk to begin with, and well, he was kind of scared shitless. After my initial foray into conversation, basically saying what I had written here yesterday, we seemed to jump a major hurdle. Suddenly, we were seeing a little more eye-to-eye. The rest of our list pretty much coincided with each other, much to both our surprises.

I'm not going to delve into exactly what was said, but we made some major progress yesterday. It went even better than I expected. Time will tell if what we said to each other has follow through and if we keep up what we decided as monthly talks (weekly seemed a little too much). What I can say is that each of us held ourselves accountable for the problems we have. It wasn't all "you did this" or "you said that". We quickly and easily accepted blame for our parts in letting things get to this stage. We were very honest with each other.

Sometimes you have to say the hard things to get to the good stuff.

Both of us are happy with the decisions we made yesterday. Both of us felt a weight lifted after we finished speaking. And both of us realized how much we still love the other. That's the most important thing.

I just want to take this opportunity to thank everyone that commented or reached out to me yesterday to show your support. It was overwelmingly caring of you, and I don't think you'll ever really know how much it means to me. For friends to just say, "I'm here for you" without needing to pick apart everything I say is exactly what I need(ed). Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're all wonderful.

The Hubs

2010-04-27T10:38:00.004-05:00

Harry doesn't like it when I talk about our relationship (the crap side, not the good side) on here. He's asked a few times if I talk about it. Maybe that's part of the reason I haven't been blogging the past few months.

The fact is, we're in a marriage funk right now. There, I said it. Or more on point, I'm in a marriage funk.

Our marriage changed pretty much the day we had Ellie. Most marriages do when you put children into the equation. B.E. (Before Ellie), we were that lovey dovey couple everyone hated. We did everything together. We loved spending time with each other. The more time the better.

After Ellie was born, I still needed Harry there with me by my side as much as possible, but a good portion of that was because I needed help with the baby. I knew from the get-go I didn't really have that maternal thing about me, and the first few weeks after my little girl came into my life proved my thoughts on the subject right. I was lost, and I practically begged Harry not to leave the house, well, ever. Kind of ridiculous.

As Ellie got older and our living situation got better (new house!), I wasn't so needy. I got the hang of being a mommy, and I LOVED the extra time I got alone with my girl. Eventually this has now led to wanting alone time with Ellie a lot more than I ever thought possible. So when Harry's offered OT or has something to do, I practically pounce on the idea of a morning without him. I don't say it in those words, but I wonder if he realizes it. I wonder if it hurts.

Around the time Ellie turned 2, I noticed how drastically things had changed. This would be November of '08. Things started to really annoy me. Things Harry said and did made me roll my eyes... a lot (the one thing I do that really drives him up the wall). Little things about his personality that he'd always done suddenly irked me (like the way he rubs his hands together sometimes when he's excited or about to eat something good or buy something wonderful - I'm cringing just typing about it).

I noticed the change, tried to mention as nicely as possible that I was feeling kind of ick, and we kept trucking. I let it be known that I was annoyed but that I didn't want to bring it up everytime he left crumbs on the counter or got water all over the bathroom floor because I didn't want to come across as a nag. I did want him to know that it did bother me, EVERY SINGLE TIME, those things kept happening, regardless as to whether or not I voiced a concern.

It's been a year and a half since I noticed this annoyance, and it hasn't gotten better. In fact, it's gotten a whole lot worse.

It's to the point now where I question how many times I have to mention something before it sinks in? How many times is too many? When did it cross the line from annoyance to hurtful to just plain disrespectful? The eye-rolling is now more hurt feelings on my part, to the point where I feel common courtesy is being thrown by the way-side.

I'm tired. Tired of being hurt and angry and upset all the time and keeping it all in for the sake of not hurting his feelings. That's crap. Something's gotta give.

And something did this weekend.

Harry hasn't gotten any overtime in a few months, so when work offered him some Saturday morning, he grabbed it. It made me happy because he likes getting OT, we need the money, and well, I get a Saturday morning with Ellie all to myself. It's a win/win/win situation. He usually works 5am-12pm on Saturdays, so he's up pretty early in the morning. Usually his alarm wakes me up, but at 3:30am, I can usually fall back asleep, even with this crap insomnia I've been dealing with this past month.

Harry knows about the insomnia. He knows how I've been struggling with sleep. I'm the kind of person that really needs 8 hrs to function, and I haven't been getting anywhere near that.

You would think, knowing how hard sleep is to come by for me, that my husband would make sure the alarm clock was turned off once it went off at 3:30. You would think, right? Common courtesy, right?

I was lucky enough to not even hear it go off at 3:30. I didn't even hear him leave. For the first time in over a month, I was actually going to sleep through the night and get 8 hrs.

Unfortunately, Harry didn't turn of the alarm clock after it went off at 3:30, so it went off again at 5:15, which is the second setting on the clock, the one he uses during the week.

I have no idea how to use his clock. We use separate ones because the bed is so damn big that rolling over to the other side to shut of an alarm sucks. And we need the multiple settings (both of us on both clocks). I fumbled with buttons until the damn thing shut off, and I'll admit, I cried I little. I just want sleep.

Even more unfortunately, I didn't shut it off. I merely set the snooze to 1 hr, which means it went of again at 6:15. I nearly ripped it out of the wall and threw it through the window. And again, I cried.

Common courtesy.

I practice it every day. I do all these little things every single day to make both Harry's and Ellie's lives easier, happier. I like to do these things. It makes me happy to make my family happy.

I'm tired of being walked all over. I'm tired of no one even noticing all the little things I do. I don't do them for the recognition, but damnit, sometimes hard work should be recognized.

Whenever Harry, say, empties the dishwasher or sweeps the floor or takes out the garbage, I friggin' thank him for it. I do. Why? Because I know he appreciates that I noticed. There've been a few times (like all 3 since we've moved into the house) when he's cleaned the bathroom and made sure to let me know he cleaned it, looking for that recognition. I always give it to him, but his constant need of the pat on the back irks me. I always recognize things he does; he doesn't have to point it out to me. If I listed all the crap I did day-in and day-out to him, it would probably take hours to tell it all. I know the moms out there know what I mean.

He thanks me for dinner a lot or if I set up his coffee for the next day, so I get recognition on occasion. It's just that sometimes I'll spend hours cleaning the house, and he won't even notice. Seriously. I'll scrub the floors and dust, the whole shebang, and he doesn't even realize it's been done. Maybe he just doesn't care. I don't mean that vindictively. I think maybe he really doesn't care if the house is clean. Crumbs on the counter, water on the floor, mud tracked through the kitchen... it doesn't seem to bother him at all.

We're very different.

I'm all over the place with this post, I know, but that's because I'm all over the place in my life. I don't know what to do. This weekend, after the alarm thing, I knew when I'd mention it to him, he'd give me his apology like always, and I'd be annoyed because sometimes a million "sorry's" just aren't enough. Trying to actually not let those things occur is what I'm looking for.

Instead of his standard apology, he mumbled a quick sorry and moved on to another topic. It was a token apology. It didn't even sound like he meant it. And THAT HURT. Now he doesn't even care when he's hurt me. That's what that "I'm sorry" told me. It surprised me. And I nearly broke down in tears on the spot, but Ellie was sitting there, and I didn't want to scare her.

I just stood there. And for the very first time I thought, "We might not make it."

My problems, my worries, my complaints may seem petty, but to me, they're important.

I want to love my husband like I used to. I want to be able to communicate my worries and hurts.

Last night, I told him it might be a good idea if we had a weekly or monthly talk, time set aside and scheduled where we could bring our concerns to the table. A couple of days before, we should even write down what we want to discuss with each other.

I asked him if he'd noticed I'd been different this past month, and he admitted he noticed. We've just been ignoring.

Ignoring it is bad.

I asked him if Wednesday after Ellie goes to bed would be a good time. He agreed. BUT (and there's always a but) he immediately asked, "So we're not going to tear into one another, are we?"

I had to take a deep breath. This always happens. Any time I want to have a serious conversation about our marriage, he freaks out, thinking I'm going to completely bitch him out. Or leave him. I just want to talk for Christ's sake! Why is he always so afraid of talking about things? It upsets me. This is why I keep things in, because he always gets scared the minute I say something serious. I'm kind of tired of this, too.

I told him I wasn't looking to schedule an argument, just a discussion. It's not like we argue anyway. Hello! When do we argue? We're not like normal couples that occasionally raise their voices, mostly because he just shuts down when we're on the brink of it. I see him closing up, and I stop whatever I'm saying for fear of hurting him.

This has to stop.

I've already written down the things I want to discuss, and I'm really hoping he takes it seriously and does the same. He said he didn't get a lot of sleep last night, whereas right after I talked to him about Wednesday, I fell blissfully asleep and didn't wake up until my alarm went off. Interesting.

Hopefully I'll have good things to talk about on Thursday.

And for any family reading, I wrote this just to get it out. I love you guys, but I don't want to actually discuss it. I know it's personal, and maybe I shouldn't put it here, but I have to put it somewhere because it's eating me up inside. Thanks for understanding.

Fun with Camera

2010-04-23T14:20:00.004-05:00

Facelift

2010-04-22T15:21:00.006-05:00

I needed some new digs. Hopefully the new name and look will help the creative juices flow. It's pretty to look at either way. And the new name kicks ass, if I do say so myself.

What's been going on... lots of work, time spent with Ellie, reading, the norm.

Spring is here, and we actually have a spring. Love it. It's been a while for CT to actually experiences weeks of 60* weather. We've been going from 40 to 90 right back to 40 to 90 again for the past few years now. It kinda sucked ass. The sunshine is wonderful, the flowers are in bloom, and I've spent countless hours outside already this season. 2 downsides (yes, there's always a downside): I developed allergies (luckily, they've abated) and because of my iron deficiency, I'm still always friggin' cold unless I'm sitting directly in the sun. There are worse things to have, I know, I'd just like to be warm like normal people once in a while. I'd also like it if my office wouldn't kick on the A/C once it hits 50* outside. It's kind of rediculous.

We've finally finished the horrid project I was working on at the office. Good Lord but it was terrible. I've been working on it since November, and it didn't look as though there was any end in sight. I nearly cried when we finished. It's been very pleasant at the office since I've been back on regular work detail. No stress, no anxiety, just work and peace and quiet. Lovely.

Miss Elliegirl is fantastic as usual. We've hit a major whining stage, but I'm working on it with her. That is to say, I'm working on not showing any kind of reaction when she whines. It's hard. So, so hard. It's been a few days now since I decided to stop asking her to stop the whining. Asking seemed to instigate it more. Now I do nothing, and I've noticed everyone is happier. Please let this be the answer because the whine drains me so. Sunday was hell. Let's just say neither Harry nor I had fun that day.

She even got to accompany me here at the office today for a couple of hours which was kickass. I miss her so much during the day, so seeing her and hanging out with her really made me smile. I wish we could do it more often. Once a month for all of us parents would be killer.

She's about to hit 3 and a 1/2, which is unbelievable. How in the hell is she this old already? I look at her, and sometimes it's like looking at an alien or something. Yep, I just called my kid a Martian. And I capitalized Martian.

I've been trucking along on my tattoo sleeve, and it *should* be done by the beginning of June. I hope I hope I hope. It looks amazing so far. I have a sitting on May 4th for my forearm, then the last sitting will be for filler on my upper arm. Woo hoo!

My friend, Kate, is coming up for a visit the same weekend as my birthday and Mother's Day which has me super excited. This will be our first time meeting each other after having talked online for nearly 3 years now. I can't wait to crack open a few beers with her and chat the night away. It's what I do best. Oh, yeah, and her daughter, Chloe, and Ellie should get along famously. Kate and I will make sure to keep the beer-guzzling to a minimum while the kiddies are awake.

We're also getting psyched up for our 4-day trip to Ocean City, MD at the end of June. I've got my dress and shoes for the wedding already, and Ellie's got a couple of dresses to choose from too. We also went out and got new swimsuits. Yes, I got a swimsuit. And yes, I'm going to wear it. Out. In public. And I don't look that bad in it. Holy crap.

Speaking of, I've hit 55 lbs lost so far. I've been at a bit of a standstill this past month, but that's OK. I've also eaten a lot of crap, so I'm actually lucky I didn't gain anything back. I'm back on track as of this week, so I'm hoping to see some results again soon. I need about 10-15 to drop off and then I'm officially done with weight loss. HOLY CRAP. I can't believe I can actually say that. Rock on.

I also got a new haircut a couple of weeks back so I'll post a pic of the new and improved me. I freakin' love it, and I'm planning to keep it up.

I'm out for now. Talk to y'all soon.

Newest Ink

2010-04-22T14:29:00.005-05:00

Lookie what I got

2010-02-02T15:07:00.008-05:00

That's right, I've been nominated as a beautiful blogger even though I completely suck and haven't written a post in weeks. Work seems to zap my creative juices (and my time).

The good news is this award has given me something to write about. Hurray.

So first, ze rulez:

1. thank the person who nominated me for this award
2. copy the award & place it on my blog
3. link to the person who nominated me for this award
4. share 7 interesting things about myself
5. nominate 7 other beautiful bloggers

the grumbles at Grumbles and Grunts nominated me. I want to send her a big, wet smooch for doing so. That's the way I normally thank people. What, you don't?

Jamie is a new bloggy-goodness find for me. Besides being a kickass photographer and a secret interior designer (check out what she did to her bedroom), she's also the mommy to 5-month-old Jude, one of the stinkin' cutest, little baby boys I've ever seen. Oh, and did I mention she's totally hot? Yeah, I like eye candy. Shoot me.

Now for 7 interesting facts about me:

1. When I was little, I desperately wanted to be Little Orphan Annie because I thought it was so cool to live you life constantly breaking into song and dance.

2. Even though I was the older sibling, my little sister was the one who stuck up for me when I got bullied. And she usually beat up the bully for me. The bully was usually twice as big as she was, but she was never scared of getting hurt.

3. When I was 3, my dad nearly cut part of his hand off with an electric knife. I witnessed the immediate aftermath, right before he was whisked away to the hospital. Later that night, my cousin, Kenny, showed up at our house to let my mom know how my dad was doing. I thought he had shown up because my dad died, and he was going to take his place. I cried because Kenny scared the hell out of me.

4. I saw Santa putting presents under our tree when I was 3. No, really, I did.

5. I do not like Motown or 50s rock. People think I am insane.

6. I LOVE watching stuff like Ghost Hunters and reading about hauntings, but I am terrified of ghosts. Terrified.

7. My first celebrity crush was Burt Ward. Yep, really.

Lastly, I nominate:

Becs at Girl Power. I get enjoyment reading about other people's families. Call me crazy. And her girls are too cute.

Kristin for her food blog Jonesin For Food. Kristin is an awesome blogger. She has a few blogs. I especially like this one because she posts some really amazing recipes. Who doesn't love food?

Erin at Memoirs of a Phat Chick. Erin is a real-life-friend and almost-relative in a roundabout way. She is a seriously good writer. 'Nuff said.

Stephanie at Mom 911's Blog. I actually became friends with Steph's mom, Linda, first through a parenting online community. I then "met" Stephanie a year or so later right before the website closed down. Then we friended each other on facebook. Then we started following each other's blogs. Then we started emailing. And then, THEN we started playing Scrabble. And it was on. Stephanie and I have SO much in common it's a little scary. She's like a skinny blonde version of me.

Kristin at My Art and the Mom in Me. Kristin is an old friend. And by old, I don't mean senior citizen or anything. Kristin and I have known each other for 20 years. I can't believe I can say that about anyone. Maybe we are getting a little along in years. Ugh. Anyway, Kristin, or KP as I will forever call her even though those are no longer her initials, is a wonderful artist/crafter, one of the funniest people I know, and the mother to 2 sweet little girls I had the privilege to meet one summer when the family was visiting CT. I'm so bummed she lives so far away (TX!), but I love being able to chat her up on occasion. She's good people.

Anne Marie at Stay At Home Mommy Daze. I've written about Anne Marie before, but her awesomeness bares repeating. We met through Emmaus, a religious retreat, and we became fast friends. We finally got to see each other again after all these years back in December, and it was a nice, little reunion at our local dive. She's been blogging for a few months now and doing a damn fine job, I must say.

Tara at Tarable. My fellow tattooed-mommy. Tara is cooler than me, and she now also has one-up on me in the kid department because she's knocked up once again against all odds. Read her. Her sarcasm and wit is superior.

That's all folks!

How it goes

2010-01-15T09:25:00.006-05:00

Harry and I are deep into week 1 of our new reading together thing, and I must say, it's going remarkably well. Harry actually told me night before last how much he's enjoying it, both doing something together and the actual reading. How cool is that?

He decided on a graphic novel to get into the spirit of things, and that was an excellent choice for him. He had told me that he'd liked reading comic books as a kid, and picking material you'll actually enjoy is the right way to go when you're rusty and/or looking to improve on your skills. He went through my collection and picked Batman: Year One for this week's reading, and he likes the story a lot.

I'm reading a collection of science fiction/fantasy short stories right now. I love collections. It's a great way to be introduced to new authors. I've found 3 that I want to explore a little more already: Harlan Ellison (dude, this guy can WRITE), Roger Zelazny, and James Tiptree (a pseudonym of Alice Bradley Sheldon). I also finally read Flowers for Algernon (short story), and it had a huge impact on me. I highly suggest reading it. If anything, it's made me question the superpower I've always wanted (heightened intelligence with vast stores of knowledge) - heh heh. Seriously though, the story made me cry. Ooh, look, I found a free copy online if you're intested: Flowers for Algernon

***
I've been working hard at the 30-day shred and continuing on Weight Watchers, but I gotta say I'm a bit disappointed this week. I was very, very close to hitting my 50-lbs lost goal, and I thought I was going to reach it this week. Instead, I GAINED a pound. I'm trying to not let it get me down, but it's discouraging. Yes, I know muscle is denser than fat, but after just a few days? Ugh. To make matters worse, the workout makes me feel terrible after. There is no post-workout euphoria. I'm not used to that. Usually after 2 miles on the elliptical or a nice 3 mile walk outside, I feel fantastic and have a lot of energy throughout the rest of my day. This workout leaves me fatigued, drained, and foggy-headed the whole day long. That's not good. I'm eating and drinking plenty of water, so it's not that. I'm not sure what it is. Someone suggested that maybe this workout just isn't for me. Maybe they're right.

It's already 34* outside and it's supposed to climb up to 41* (HEAT WAVE), so I think I'll go for a walk on break today. I'm hoping that'll boost my energy. I decided to do the workout this evening instead of the early morn, and I gotta admit, I feel pretty good today after having NOT done it. Eh.

***
And last, Harry and I have a date with some Thai food tomorrow night. My mom is babysitting, and we might even go with another couple to nosh on some delicious pad thai. Exciting!

If at first you don't succeed, try try again

2010-01-13T09:25:00.004-05:00

Yeah, I was a wuss. Notice I didn't mentione the 30-day Shred again after that first post? That's because day 1 totally kicked my ass. I was sore for 4 days after day 1. Like had-no-use-of-my-arms sore. It was bad. No amount of ibuprofen helped. I cursed Jillian on that day and vowed never to touch that DVD again.

So naturally I broke that vow and picked the DVD back up. I started a new day 1 this morning, and I've got to admit, it was a tiny bit easier. I think that was due to 3 things: I used lighter weights (3-lb instead of 5), I ate and drank a little something both right before and right after, and I knew not to try to be so intense in the beginning. Don't get me wrong, I still got the shakes a bit about 5 minutes after I was done, but I'm feeling pretty good right now. And Harry suggested I take an Aleve to help with possible (probable) soreness later on this even and tomorrow. Good advice.

I decided to give it another shot because a few friends started doing the Shred this month too. Mimi is already on day 8, Jessica is on day 3, and Rebecca and her hubby started last night as well (and while Paul is sore this morning [as he should be], Rebecca is completely fine and already ready to move onto the next level because she's all fit and stuff). Having people to go insane with is always more fun. It's also good motivation and inspiration for this girl.

***

In other news, Harry got his 2009 review at work a couple of days ago. I have to say that I am so freaking proud of him. He's very good at his job, and he takes a lot of pride in what he does (he's a printer at a large medical supplies company for those of you who don't know). The review was stellar, the best he's gotten yet, and his boss has made it clear that he's extremely valuable. And his raise reflects that. AND the boss put him in for a promotion, too. Keep all your fingers and toes crossed for that one. I'm really hoping it comes through.

***

And last, I leave you with an Ellie-ism to tickle your funny bone...

Upon awaking with the sniffles a couple of days ago:

"Mommy, my nose is all stuck up."

"Do you mean stuffed up?"

"No, Mommy, stuck up! Stuck up!"

Talk

2010-01-10T19:46:00.011-05:00

I got a comment on my last post with some advice. And that advice was that Harry and I should seek out marriage counseling because it's obvious I'm carrying around a lot of resentment. And since Harry and I don't talk about our feelings, that hour of marriage counseling a week would force us to do so.

I'll be honest and say I'm not an advocate of counseling or therapy for myself personally. I've had a couple of bad experiences with it in the past, and it did more harm than good.

I will also admit that I sometimes worry about ending up resenting Harry for certain things, but I also have to say that I do work on that, despite not having professional help to do so.

And while I have stated that I use a lot of inner monologue instead of raging and lashing out with my feelings in the heat of the moment, I do end up talking to Harry about how things affect me and what I'm thinking when a disagreement occurs. I simply do it at a later time, and it's more of a discussion.

Case in point: I mentioned to some girlfriends last month about how Harry's learning disability and lack of desire to learn to read better has been bothering me as of late. Being a bookish person and wanting to once-upon-a-time become an English teacher, it's been difficult for me. And I've just now only realized how MUCH it bothers me, and for a long time, I didn't even understand the extent to which his learning disability goes. This past year or so has enlightened me. I was afraid to approach the subject with Harry because I know it's a sore spot for him, but I also knew that I had to eventually say something to him about it, otherwise my annoyance would fester and get the better of me.

Harry and I started talking, and it seems that he's actually been thinking about "practicing" his reading. He's been looking through my book club brochures, and he saw a couple of books he'd be interested in (and lucky me, I was already planning on ordering them). I went one further and said that we should start up a nightly thing where right before bed, we each read our respective books for 15 minutes. He's all for it. He wants to start with one of my graphic novels, and I'm totally cool with that. I remember him telling me he had liked to read comic books as a kid, so graphic novels would be a great way to get his feet wet.

With the last "discussion" I talked about in the last post, I'll bring it up in a few days. Most likely, I'll ask him if there's anything else besides his work calendar that he thinks he should be responsible for in the future. I don't resent him for not balancing the checkbook or making sure all the bills are paid because, well, I do a better job of it. We both know that, which is why I take care of it. We'd be flat broke if it was Harry's responsibility. Neither of us want that to happen, so I handle it. I simply get annoyed because the work calendar thing is so basic, and well, I thought he was doing it. Why WOULDN'T he do it, ya know? So I was irked when I found out it hadn't been happening. It was just like, "Dude, one thing. That's all you have to do... just one thing. Do it."

My last post was a way for me to hash it all out for myself. To see it all in black and white and figure out what it is I need to do for personal growth, self awareness, and peace of mind. I need to hear it out loud or see it on the screen to understand why my head works the way it does and why I react and say what I do. I want to fully realize that: YES, the way I handle disagreements is the way I want to go or NO, this isn't working for me. The jury's still out as of now. I still don't know if I might be less stressed if I just said it while the discussion was going on, therefore resulting in an actual argument. Who knows? Maybe I'm a nasty arguer who pulls out all the stops and really rips into someone. Do I want to even find out if that person is in there?

In the end, maybe there's really no right or wrong answer. And that's simply because one size does not fit all. That means each individual argument and each individual couple. Some couples thrive on butting heads while others do better walking away, cooling down, then discussing at a later time. Some couple reach a whole new level to their relationship through therapy while others just aren't comfortable with sharing their more intimate day-to-day doings with a third party (and yes, I consider disagreeing/discussing/arguing extremely personal and intimate). What works for you may not work for me.

And that's about all I got tonight.

Inner Monologue

2010-01-08T16:04:00.004-05:00

I hate to hurt my husband's feelings. Is that strange? It's gotten to the point where we don't fight like normal couples. We don't raise our voices, flip each other the bird, call each other names, yell "Screw you!", etc. We just don't.

Instead, I use sarcasm and eye rolls. And inner monologue. Lots and lots of inner monologue.

Today Harry got pissed at me because he hadn't been keeping track of his days off last year, and when he said, "I should have," I agreed by replying, "yes, you should have." Apparently, he wasn't looking for confirmation of his fuck-up. I got a "thanks a lot, Hon," some silence, then a hasty retreat on his part.

Imagine if my inner monologue had taken over after "yes, you should have." It would have sounded something like this: "yes, you should have, especially seeing as you're not responsible for keeping track of anything else like monthly expenses, the mortgage, the checkbook, paying daycare, buying groceries, etc. This is the ONLY thing you have to make sure is done correctly, and you didn't even do that. So it's your own damn fault. Suck it up."

I think it's getting to the point where inner monologue is no longer going to work for me. It's thoughts like this that fester and eat away at me. Harry and I have been together for nearly 9 years, and although thoughts like this didn't appear the first few years we've been together, they have been building up for some time now.

Suppressing is sometimes not a good idea. It just makes me angry and bitter. I'm just not sure where that leaves me. I've never been much of a fighter. Do I really want to start? What's the best way to handle situations that at first annoy me then snowball into every single word coming out of his mouth making me grit my teeth and finally just walking out of the room with a hot head and blood boiling? Yeah, I have that kind of temper. I just tend to keep it bottled up instead of releasing it and spewing it all over my husband.

To top it all off, I then feel guilty about my thoughts. I haven't even said anything out-fucking-loud, but I still feel bad for even entertaining the notions that pop into my head. How is that for sad? AND if Ellie's in one of her moods while Harry's pissing me off, she gets mean, crabby mommy annoyed with her. THAT guilt sucks ass.

I'm not looking for real answers here, just venting and trying to clear my head a little. I talk with friends about their relationships, and most of them have all-out battles from time-to-time. And I'm starting to think that's healthy.

FLA

2010-01-07T08:42:00.011-05:00

I realized that during the holiday chaos and my bloggy-laziness, I never wrote about my trip to Florida! I had a wonderful time, although I'll admit, I missed Harry and Ellie very, very much. Harry seemed to have a hard time as well, and we ended up talking on the phone at least 3 times a day. I don't know when I'll be taking another solo trip because of that. No biggie. Family trips are fun! We actually already have one planned for June in Ocean City, MD. I'm psyched about it, even though I realize it's almost 6 months away. I want some sun!

My mom bought a new retirement home this year, and it's about 20 minutes away from where her brother lives. She's so freakin' happy down there that I'm hoping she goes through with retirement next year. As much as I'll miss her, it's good to see her so happy. She deserves it. She spent every day of her vacation with her bro, and it was so nice to see them together.

Here's a pic of the new house. Isn't it gorgeous!? It's like twice the size of my house, and it was half the cost. Gotta love CT and it's crazy housing prices.

I flew out of LaGuardia, and besides actually having to hang around in the plane once we landed for an hour because they didn't have a gate open for us (yeah, that was fun), the rest of the flight down was uneventful (for which I am grateful). After picking up my rental car (a cute, little red Rio - I dig it!), I made my way to Cape Coral to visit with Annita. I had a fantastic time visiting with her and her family, and I'm so glad I got the chance to do so. Here we are at the Leaping Lizard Lounge, a little tiki hut bar I fell in love with:

I can't thank her and her husband, Guy, enough for their hospitality, and I have to give a special shout-out to her daughter, Katerina, for loaning me the use of her room for the night.

The next day, I made my way to my Uncle Barry's house in Harbour Heights. I ended up seeing my aunt and uncle quite a bit during the trip, which was a pleasant surprise. I hadn't visited with them in years, since I was a kid really, and it's an entirely different experience as an adult. I also got to visit with my cousin, Bobby, whom I haven't seen in 20 years. 20 years! The first two things he said to me were, "Wow, you've shrank!" meaning my weight loss (LOL) and, "You look NOTHING like your sister." Yeah, I get that a lot. Getting closer to family had become more and more important to me the older I get. I hope to see them all again soon.

On Monday, I ventured up to Sarasota to visit with a blog friend (and now a real-life friend!), Rebecca. I just gotta say that I am not an instant-click kinda girl when it comes to other women. I usually have to spend a little time with someone before I feel that. Becs is the exception to the rule. We talked and laughed for the few hours we had together, and it was awesome. She took me to a little diner for breakfast, drove me all over Sarasota, pointing out, well, EVERYTHING, since she grew up there, took me to the beach (which is incredible, people), and simply entertained me with stories of college and how she met her husband, among other things. I also got to meet her oldest daughter, the famous Lexie of the funky, cool glasses. I was lucky enough to get a wardrobe change during my visit, and let me tell you, that girl is a fashionista waiting to bust out of a 4-year-old body. I also got to meet sweet, little Laney, who is extremely smiley and raised the roof for me a little bit. And I got to meet Bec's husband, Paul, the man with the badge, who was in a pretty good mood despite working all night and taking care of the kids while Becs and I went out on our little joyride.

Here we are at the beach. I told her we look like a teeth-whitening commercial or something. Our teeth are crazy white!

Here's a shot of the white sugar beach. I seriously fell in love at first site here:

And last is a picture of yours truly on the beach. As you can see by what I'm wearing, it was a little cold. You can also see just how much weight I've lost over the past 7.5 months. Oh, yeah.

Aside from a little shopping and more driving, that was my trip in a nutshell. It was nice to get away, but I gotta admit, there's no place like home. Now if home were only a little warmer, I'd believe that statement 365 days out of the year.

We used to be that couple

2010-01-05T14:35:00.005-05:00

Last week, one of Harry's friends commented about how sappy we are together and how she and her husband are still the same way after 10 years of marriage. And it made me a little sad because we're NOT sappy. Not at all. We used to be. We used to be that couple that gave you cavities just by looking at us.

Our said sappiness started to dissipate a few months after Ellie was born. We're the stereotypical couple that was once head-over-heels in love with each other, unable to keep our hands off one another. Then came sleepless nights and baby spit-up and shitty diapers, and the romance kind of went out the window. The deterioration of our physical relationship is an excellent deterrent for all couples that have mostly decided they don't want kids but haven't completely given up on the idea. Heh heh.

What bothers me about the whole situation is that I KNOW it bothers me, but I've failed to do anything about it. Harry and I are more than just roommates, which is what happens to a lot of couples like us. I'm grateful for that. We still enjoy each other's company. We still talk. We still connect. Well, sometimes. When I'm not rolling my eyes or getting pissy.

But I miss the closeness. I miss that crazy/happy/soaring feeling I used to get when I saw him after a long day's work, how I just wanted to concentrate on the two of us and nothing else. I can't even remember the last time that happened. It's really quite sad.

Yesterday, I wrote of my non-resolution New Year's thingamajigs. I didn't mention this one, and well, it's a biggie. I guess I realized it needed a post all its own. So here it is.

This seriously needs to be worked on. It's detrimental to the continuation of my marriage. I know this. Why I haven't done something about it already is a mystery. It has a big sign on it that says, "don't go there". I've been too afraid of looking at it closely, but for fuck's sake, it's time.

This past year, I've done a lot of introspection, and it's helped me immensely. What I haven't done is talk about what I've learned. That also needs to change. It's good that I'm honest with myself, but it's also good to let those that are close and that care know what's going on in my big ol' noggin, too.

So come on in and check out all the crazy inside. It's ok; I'll let you back out after. I promise.

The Perfunctory New Year's Post... a few days late

2010-01-04T15:52:00.003-05:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm late for everything nowadays. It used to be a pet peeve, believe it or not. I hated being late. I chalk it up to loosening up a little. Heh heh.

I haven't made any concrete resolutions really, but I did start to think about what I might like to change during this next year. Is that the same thing? I'm not really sure.

I'd like to be less angry. I'd like to be less judgemental and opinionated. I'd like to be more laid back. I suppose I'd like to be more punctual too (I was only 2 minutes late to work today - it's a start!). I'd like to be less critical of my husband and realize that he does not and will not think like me, no matter how much I may want him to do so. That's a biggie. Harry gets shit from me a lot simply because I fail to understand that he doesn't see things the way I see them.

I'd also like more time for myself. I've done pretty well in this category the past year. I don't need a lot more me-time than I'm already getting now; I think I really just want to make sure I continue what I'm already doing. It's good to realize that I'm important.

I want to find balance. I think that's the key. Sometimes I want too much. I realize that.

I want to continue having the wonderful relationship I've developed with my daughter. There ain't nothin' better than being with her. No, really, there's not. She may drive me to drink on occasion, but she's the coolest little chickie I've ever met.

I also want to continue spending time with the couples we've become better friends with this past year. It's been good for us. We're way more social this year than we have been in a long time. Both of us are enjoying entertaining. It's good stuff, I tell ya.

And lastly, because Harry has mentioned it, I want to sign up for some couples' dance classes I've been dying to try. Suddenly Harry's interested. I need to find one for us to go to before he changes his mind:)

So that's my "list"! Happy New Year, everyone! May it be filled with wonder and surprise (the good kind).

I have no edge

2009-12-16T09:42:00.007-05:00

I fully admit it; I'm not edgy. For a long time, I wanted to be the cool chick who listened to killer music and wore awesome clothes and had kickass stories about my Saturday night. Finally, I resigned myself to the fact that no matter what I wear or how much I had to drink on the weekend, I would still rather have my nose stuck in a book. I'm dorky and like comic books and Star Wars. And Star Trek. I think learning new Klingon words and phrases is cool. I like to have debates about who's cooler, Eddie Vedder or Bono. I also say cool a lot, a perfect example of how not-cool I most likely am.

And I'm a mom. That doesn't mean that I am then, by default, not edgy, but I see myself as a non-edgy mom, even with all the tattoos. Mommyhood has rounded off any angles, and I'm OK with that.

This morning, as I was taking my shower, I started thinking about my blog. And blogs in general. And how I've read heaps of stuff lately about mommy blogging. Usually, this stuff is preceded by a gag sound or a bellow of "Oh, God, Mommy Bloggers." Like we're a plague or something. I'll admit it irks me a bit that moms who blog seem to have gotten a bad rep out here in the blogosphere. Oh, they're so boring. Oh, all they talk about is their kid. Oh, they're so lame.

Well, I've got news for the mommy-blog-bashers. Mom blogs, just like teenaged-angst blogs or cool-single-chick blogs or perpetually-unemployed-beer-guzzling-idiots blogs all have an audience. What's the mommy blog audience? Why... other moms. And yeah, there's a lot of us out there. A lot.

I enjoy reading about other people's kids. Maybe I'm weird. Since becoming a mom, I've been able to connect with other women more easily. It's true. I certainly don't get ALL moms, but there are a few I've just clicked with. That's new for me. I have a few close girlfriends, but for the most part, I get along better with men. I think it's because of the way my brain works.

A lot of moms out there write their blogs for themselves to chronicle their kids lives and to share with family and friends that don't live nearby and therefore don't get to see what's going on from a day-to-day basis. It's a way to share the milestones and funny stories, and it's a way to record all those things you don't want to forget.

Me? I write simply because I like to write. I write about Ellie, about myself, my marriage, my friends, pretty much everything. I've been told I'm entertaining and can write well. Both are huge compliments.

I don't write to make money or get more readers. I know there are a few mommy blogs out there with that intention, and while I don't read them, to each is own. Some say they're using their kids for profit, and well, that may be true. I'm not a fan of that, so I can't really say too much more on the subject. The only thing that really concerns me is putting your kid out there, I mean really out there. Too much info can be a bad thing. Each mom has to decide from the get-go how much is too much. Sometimes they cross the lines they made for themselves to make a mighty buck. That sucks. I don't condone that. 'Nuff said.

Regardless of why bloggers blog, the end result is this: you have something to say, and there is an audience who wants to read it. I don't understand the animosity. Why is being a mommy blogger so bad?

That's my two bits for today.

OMG she's finally posting!

2009-12-01T09:42:00.006-05:00

Yeah, I suck. Sue me. There's just not enough time in the day lately. And I'm lazy.

Thanksgiving ended up being a rather wonderful affair. Surprised the hell out of me. We had a nice, traditional get-together at my mom's for the day. Both of my sisters and their families, as well as my MIL, were there. We had a lot of fun, laughed, conversed, and ate a lot of delicious food. There wasn't one argument, and Ellie was at the top of her game, charming everyone left and right. She didn't even get a nap, and she managed to be on her very best behavior.

Friday was low-key. I did my black Friday shopping from the comfort of my own home and managed to pretty much finish Ellie's Christmas shopping. I purchased every single gift for my little girl from a computer. I didn't have to push or shove or punch one person to get her the stuff she wanted. LOL.

I also ordered Harry a Wii, so he's happy as a clam. And I ordered an electric fireplace with mantle for our family room since we don't have a real fireplace. It's pretty spiffy (well, it looks spiffy in the picture), and it'll make the room even more cosy and homey.

We also put the tree up, and it looks awesome if I do say so myself.

We also put the lights up on the house ("we" as in "Harry") and set up a couple of those blow-up decorations our neighbor gave us last year. We're now the proud owners of an 8-foot tall Santa and and 8-foot tall polar bear in a blue sweater. Ellie freakin' loves them and often goes to the window to look at the decorations (kid can say decorations correctly but not shirt [she says shirk]... go figure.)

We've also managed to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas about a gazillion times, as well as Frosty the Snowman, Elf, and The Santa Clause. Christmas Vacation is next. I'm a sucker for Christmas movies.

And of course, the biggest news... I got my tattoo! It's amazing, and I can't wait to expand it. I did a 5-hour sitting, and it was well worth it. Vinny Lattanzi from Paradise Tattoo kicks ass and is now officially my tattoo artist of choice.

Other than that, the countdown to my Florida trip has begun. Only 18 more days! I get to see Annita right off the plane, so I'm super excited about that. And Rebecca and I are making plans to meet up, too. Yay! I even did a little summer clothes shopping in anticipation of the trip. And woo hoo! Everything was on clearance since only the insane would wear capris in December in CT. Heh heh.

All I Want for Christmas is Pain and a Little Body Mutilation

2009-11-13T10:46:00.003-05:00

I'm getting some new ink for Christmas this year! I happened to mention it to Harry last night, and he's all for it. Woo hoo!

I'm finally starting on my sleeve. I really just want flowers... bright, bold, beautiful, colorful flowers. Cherry blossoms are a must. I'm starting at the top instead of doing an entire outline of my arm. I thought a cap sleeve would look pretty cool, so that's the piece I'll get next month. I've never seen anyone with a cap sleeve before, so it'll be somewhat original and funky. And very, very me.

I am SO excited. I can't wait.

Jillian Michaels is trying to kill me

2009-11-09T08:49:00.005-05:00

I'll admit I watch The Biggest Loser. I know a few of you out there do, too (I'm looking at you, Kristin, Rebecca, and Nikki). I'm not big on all the drama, but I am simply amazed at what the people on the show can actually do. Run a mile? Hell no, I can't do that. Stair master? Fuck no (yeah, the stair master deserves an F-bomb). 8-MPH sprints on the treadmill? Yeah, right. But these people manage to do it every day.

What makes them do it? Besides wanting to lose the weight and win a quarter of a million dollars of course. It's not the wrath of God but the fear of one trainer in particular, Jillian Michaels. This woman is fierce. She doesn't hold your hand. She kicks you in the ass.

I've been watching for a couple of years now, and I've said out loud quite a few times that I would never, NEVER, let this woman train me because she would very likely kill me. I've seen contestants cry and puke (sometimes at the same time) while she's training them, and all the while she's standing over them, screaming into their faces to get back up and get moving. That scares the bejesus out of me.

So why in my right mind did I decide to buy one of her workout videos? Yes, I did. I must be insane.

I decided to buy it because the reviews were good. Very good. I bought Jillian Michaels's 30-Day Shred (and of course, the price just dropped a couple of bucks - cuz that's the kind of luck I have). The gist of the reviews stated that even seasoned workouters (new word!) had to start at level 1. Yikes. All in all, though, the workouts are difficult but they work. Well. So give Jillian 20-25 minutes every day for 30 days, let her beat up on you, and you'll see results.

I sat down last night and just watched the videos to see each exercise, the modifications, and decide whether or not I could actually do all the exercises with my limitations (bad knee, bad ankles, bad back). I decided at the end of the viewing that I could do everything at level 1. I was simply afraid of doing all of them with no rest and in quick succession. Eek.

This morning, I got up at 5:45am, and gave over the next 25 minutes to Ms. Michaels. And holy fuck was it hard. I honestly didn't think I would be able to finish. By the time I was done, my arms felt like jello (surprisingly my legs were fine - all that walking really has helped). I jumped into the shower, but unlike other workouts in the past, I didn't feel like a million bucks. I was a bit shaky and a few minutes later, I was hit with a wave of nausea. It took a good 10 minutes for that to go away. I seriously thought, "She did it. Jillian Michaels made me puke on my first workout." I managed not to. I almost cried, too. I'll admit it.

Finally, an hour later, the million bucks feeling surfaced. Well, at least it shows up at some point.

After all of that, I plan on getting up tomorrow at 5:45 and doing it again. And the day after that. And the day after that. I plan on doing the full 30 days just to say I can.

And to be perfectly honest, I must admit that I actually like Jillian in the video. Gasp! She's actually helpful, she talks you through it, cheers you on (yes, it's really the same Jillian!). I was pleasantly surprised. And most of the exercises are old-school. I like that. All you need are some 5-pound weights and a mat. That's it. The rest is done with your body. And even someone like me with my limitations can do it. That makes it an excellent video. She gets two thumbs up from me. Shocking, I know.

So I'll continue to let Jillian kill me, and I'll let you know the results at the end of the 30 days. If you don't hear about it again, it means I'm a wuss and gave up. For shame.

Quick Post

2009-11-06T14:54:00.003-05:00

I suck at blogging. Thank God I didn't decide to do that nanoblomo or whatever the hell it's called. I'd be a big fat FAIL.

Halloween was lots and lots of fun this year. Ellie was very excited to don her Uniqua costume, and I must say she was extremely cute in it. Damn me for not posting public pics of my kid!

I also dressed up for the night's round of trick or treating, and my neighbors were really impressed with the fact I decided to. Yep, I'm that cool mom. Heh heh.

After 6 houses or so, Ellie asked if we were going back to her house. It cracked me up. Since she had gotten the major haul from our neighbor, Dave, (3 large-sized candy bars), she was ready to head on home and dig in. We did our entire horseshoe, then headed back to the homestead. She ate 3 small candy bars, then took a bite out of the 4th, decided she "can't like that", asked for a different one, took a bite, and "can't like that one either". You see where this is going. That was the end of the candy for her that night. Luckily, she didn't balk.

The next morning we were up pretty early because of DST (grrr) but made the most of it by decorating the house and the cake. Our first guests arrived by 11am, and the dance party proceeded. The kids had a great time just playing and hanging out listening to the music, and us parents had a pretty good time, too, just chatting.

The family arrived promptly at noon, the kids went outside to play for a bit, and Harry picked up the pizza and was home by 12:30. We dug in and stuffed our faces happily. The kids were like vacuums! Even Ellie. I have never seen her eat so much.

Soon after that it was cake time. I made Ellie's cake this year. She told me what she wanted, and she got it... a chocolate ice cream cake. It was delicious, a big hit, and Ellie was very excited about it all. We got some fantastic pictures of her blowing out her candles and eating. She ate the whole damn piece!

After that, she opened presents, and that went exceptionally well too. In fact, the whole day did. There wasn't one fight or temper tantrum the whole 3.5 hrs the kids were there. Impressive!

Ellie crashed soon after everyone left, and I got a little quiet time to just sit and read. Ahhhh.

We had pizza again for dinner (um, yeah, WW was thrown out the window last weekend), and Ellie ended up playing with all her new loot until bedtime. It was a wonderful day, and I'm so glad Ellie had such a good time.

I'll be honest. I've been noticing a change in her demeanor these last few weeks, and I've been hoping it would progressively get even better. And knock on wood, it has. She's different, older, a little more mature. It makes my heart swell.

Well, this didn't end up being quick at all.

Oh, one last thing. I hit my 40 lbs lost mark this week! Even after all that pizza and cake. Woo hoo!

Oh, and I have my concert tomorrow. I'll try to get off my lazy ass and write about it sometime next week. I promise!

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Prepping

2009-10-29T13:48:00.004-05:00

We've got a big weekend coming up. Tomorrow is Ellie's Halloween party at daycare. She's extremely excited to don her Uniqua costume and get candy. She's especially excited about the candy. Everything has been about the candy she's going to get on Halloween. Every subject comes back to the fact that she's going to get candy on Halloween. Candy, candy, candy! I think she may have a problem.

Saturday is the big day (or night), and we all plan on getting dressed up and going trick or treating in our 'hood. A couple of weeks ago, I went as a goth chick for a party, but it might be a bit too cold with opaque sleeves and a dress for a jaunt around our circle. I'm thinking of going as a cowgirl instead. That should be a little warmer.

Ellie's ready and rarin' to go with her new trick or treat bag. She's been toting it around the house, telling me continually we need to go to the store so she can buy some candy to fill it. She's a little O/C about the candy if you haven't noticed.

Sunday is an even bigger day (possibly the biggest of 2009) because it's the day my little girl turns 3 years old. Um, holy crap! I'm about to have a 3-year-old. I'm surprised that I'm a little sad she's growing up so fast because it wasn't long ago when I was saying, "I can't wait until she's old enough to..." Now she's this freakin' cool, awesome chick I want to spend all my time with. Last week she told me I'm her best friend. Can you say, "Mommy is a big puddle of goo" after that one? You're my best friend, too, Kiddo.

We're having a dance party this year... Ellie's idea. She decided after she saw a Backyardigans episode (like a million times) where they have one for Austin's birthday. She thinks it's the coolest thing.

Unusual for me, I still haven't made the damn mix yet. Usually, I'm all over a music mix, but I just haven't had the time. I've got a track list ready to go, so I'm hoping it'll only take an hour or so to make it. A copy of the mix is going to be included in the goody bags for the kids, so I need to get my ass in gear. I decided that it'll be both kids music mixed with adult music, too. A little fun for everyone to listen to, ya know? Ellie's a big fan of Queen, David Bowie, and Guns 'n Roses, just to name a few, so they definitely make it on there. I may be rocking to the CD in the car for the next year. It'll finally replace that Laurie Berkner CD we've been listening to the past 2 years.

We've got the fam coming: my mom, dad, sisters, nieces, Harry's mom, etc, and we've also got a few of Ellie's friends from daycare making an appearance this year, as well as Teri, her daycare provider. Round it off with Kim and my Godson, Niko, and we've got a full house! I hope we can fit everyone. I'm only a little worried about that. We always make do.

We also have to change the clocks between Halloween and Ellie's birthday, so that should be interesting, too. I made sure to write it on all the invites, so hopefully no one shows up an hour early with me unshowered and scrubbing the toilet. Wouldn't THAT be a nice surprise?

On Monday, Ellie will have yet another party at daycare. Good Lord, the amount of sugar this kid is going to consume this weekend is immense. I'm a bit frightened. Not to mention I can't say no to cake, so I'll be consuming some myself. And pizza. And maybe a piece of candy. Or two. Or twelve.

Another introduction

2009-10-26T13:02:00.003-05:00

I wanted to be a writer for a very, very long time. Poetry was my forte, but I really yearned to write short stories, novels, epics even! Unfortunately for me, I completely suck at this kind of creative writing. SUCK at it. I can say more in a 16-line poem than I can in 100 pages of prose fiction for some reason. Some would say that was talent; I kinda think it's lame. My brain just can't function with all that white space of empty pages looming again, waiting to be filled. My sentences are clunky, ugly, and boring.

My friend, Erin, on the other hand, is the writer I always wanted to be. She's fucking fantastic. Yes, her skillz are so intense that I will drop an f-bomb to describe them. Erin writes in many styles and genres, which makes me slightly jealous and highly envious. Alas, I can't hate her because she's also flippin' cool, and if I killed her, I wouldn't get to read her work anymore.

She has previously delved into the world of comic books, writing White Viper which was published online last year (her dad, Frank McLauglin, a rather talented comic book artist, inked it). She also writes a column for The Fairfield County Weekly, which is equally as awesome and entertaining as she. The last one I read was about strippers and prostitutes, I think, and how the bad economic times are impacting their world. She did quite a few interviews for the piece, and it was deliciously informative and edgy.

Erin has now decided to dive into the world of blogs. Last week, she started up Memoirs of a Phat Chick. If you've got 10 minutes to spare today, please, please, please do yourself a favor and read the 3 pieces she put up for all our viewing pleasure. You won't be disappointed. You will laugh. You'll probably cry, too (I'll admit at least one of the pieces had me balling like a baby in my cube last week). And you will come back for more. I promise you that.

A picture is worth a thousand words

2009-10-21T14:01:00.006-05:00

I actually have a thousand words stuck in my head right now, but I just can't seem to set them down. Too much thinking. Too much thinking. It's why I haven't posted for so long. Sometimes the words flow; sometimes I need a tow truck to get them out.

Pictures will have to do. I'm closing in on 40 lbs. I should hit the mark by next weekend. It feels incredible. Let me say that again: it feels incredible.

Harry and me all ready for a Halloween party this past weekend.

Me and Harry's sister, Cindy, at the Halloween party. She was a Maryland crab:)

Me, Jessica, and Lea after a girls' afternoon at SBC.

Practice, practice, practice!

2009-10-02T13:07:00.004-05:00

Some kids practice playing the piano. Others practice different sports.

My kid likes to practice too. She's been at it every day for the past week.

First I caught her practicing in front of the mirror. I guess she had to make sure she looked OK while doing it.

Lately, she's been practicing before nap and bedtime, too. That's when she really excels at it.

Even in the car! There's no where this girl can't practice this natural talent she's been blessed with.

You could call her an expert by now. That's how good she is.

My daughter, Miss Ellie, is an expert whiner. I'm so proud.

Introducing Anne Marie

2009-09-29T11:40:00.003-05:00

Anne Marie and I met through Emmaus, a religious retreat run by members of my church community. I don't remember how we started talking, but we soon found that we were very much alike in so very many ways. We would sit and chat for hours at the bar (um, we went to the bar A LOT for a group of Catholics trying to run this thing. Scratch that... we went to the bar A LOT for a group of human beings - heh heh). We learned a lot about one another. It's weird to meet someone so much like you.

Eventually, I no longer participated in the retreats, and we soon lost contact. We both got married, she moved out of state, the norm. Then, last year, we found each other through Facebook. We both now have kids (she has 2 little ones I really hope to meet someday soon). And little by little, over this past year, we've started finding out new and interesting things about each other's lives the past few years.

Last month, she asked me about blogging. She's been thinking about starting one up, and I was happy to help. She was really nervous about putting herself out there, so I'm really glad she took the plunge.

She's been through some major life-changing events. And she's willing to share those experiences with those who are interested. She's also a stay-at-home mom, so she's got some funny stories about that, too.

So please check her out! Stay At Home Mommy Daze is her new bloggy home.

Step one of eleventy-billion-and-one

2009-09-28T14:11:00.003-05:00

Writing my last post did me a lot of good. Reading all the lovely comments everyone left did me a whole lotta more good. We'll call that opening the flood gates.

This weekend really started my journey to the new-and-improved me. First on the agenda was to clean out my closet. And I mean that in the literal sense. I went through my closet and my armoire and got rid of every stitch of clothing that no longer fits. To my surprise, quite a few pieces I was banking on to use the next few months (like fleeces and sweaters) were too big when I tried them on. The last time I wore them, they *just* fit. And now I can possibly fit another person in there. That was eye-opening.

I first thought that maybe I could still use them, but I realized quickly that they made me look frumpy and unattractive. Yeah, no thanks. I can do without that.

In the end, I only have about 20 pieces that fit right now. And I'm OK with that. Mostly because I only plan on fitting in these for a little while longer and then moving onto the next size down. That's the plan, and I'm sticking to it.

It took me a couple of hours while Ellie was napping, but it was well worth using my normal down-time to get the job done. I felt lighter after I threw that last piece of clothing into the bag for Goodwill. Lighter in both mind and body. Very Zen of me, I know.

But real nonetheless. I feel different now. All those clothes (and MY GOD there was a lot) were holding me down, the unnecessary baggage of a person who has been trying to break out of herself and the definitions of her for a very long time.

I'm redefining every day.

A million and one

2009-09-25T10:41:00.004-05:00

I've had a million and one things to say lately (don't I always?) but I just can't seem to get them out. I feel a little out-of-sorts, and I can't put my finger on exactly why.

I've been taking a long, hard look at myself lately because while I should be happy, and while my life is wonderful, and although my daughter makes me deliriously feel like I am the luckiest person alive, there is something missing. I have no idea what that thing is, but it's not where it should be. Does that make any sense?

Things I have noticed:

I no longer like long, lingering kisses. WTF? Seriously? My body just doesn't react to them. It sucks. I don't know where this aversion suddenly came from, but it can go to hell.

I wish Harry would want to read a book and discuss it with me. There, I said it. Dammit. Just try! Ugh.

I roll my eyes too much. I get aggravated too often. I am quick to judge. I need things done my way.

There really are too many stupid people in the world.

Appearances can be deceiving.

So I'm working on it. I'm always working on it. I'm a work-in-progress.

I woke up in a very good mood today. That's always nice. I went out for coffee with a friend earlier this week, and I have another coffee date slated for tomorrow and yet another one for next weekend, as well. I'm trying to focus more at the office. I get sidetracked easily nowadays, and I don't want it to affect my job. Being employed is too important to mess it up because I can't concentrate.

And the biggest news... I booked a ticket to FLA for the end of the year. It's a short trip, just a Saturday to a Tuesday, but it's a trip about me. Harry and Ellie are staying home while I spend a few days with my mom at her new house. I'll also be meeting up with Annita and Becs! I am very much looking forward to it.

All this is just the tip of the iceberg of all the thoughts that have been running through my brain lately, but I have to start somewhere. I have to get it all out.

Funky Fresh

2009-09-14T11:48:00.004-05:00

I'm feeling out of sorts. Yesterday I was Cranky McCrankypants, and today I seem to be walking around in a discombobulated daze. I think I need a me-day.

I look forward to the Saturday Mornings I get with Ellie. Besides the extra cash we so desperately need that Harry's overtime brings in, I get all morning with my girl. The time I get to spend alone with Ellie these days are my absolute favorite times of the week. We just click. We cuddle in front of the TV, play games, read, run around outside, scream like banshees, etc. You know, the norm mommy/daughter stuff:)

This past Saturday was no exception. Both of us were in a great mood. We even ventured out to Target to pick up a few things, and I allowed the stinker to play in the toy department for over an hour. She LOVES being the leader on shopping expeditions. And those first few aisles of Target are Toddler Heaven. Seriously.

Then Sunday comes, and all hell seems to break loose. Ellie is kind of attached to me (read "barnacle"), and if I suddenly disappear, she roams around the house, calling my name, searching every room for me. It gets to the point where I can't take a shower or get dressed or anything really without her looking for me and interrupting a few blessed moments of quiet. She only really does it if she knows I'm in the house; she doesn't do it at Teri's or if she sees me leave in my car. Basically, it boils down to if I'm under the same roof, I'm Ellie's bitch.

It's getting to me.

I love my little girl. Love her love her LOVE HER. But I need a few minutes to breathe. Yesterday, I was feeling suffocated. Add to that Harry yelling right behind Ellie's "Mommy! Mommy, where are you?" with "Leave Mommy alone!", and you have a recipe for headache central with a little added stress on the side. I wanted to shout back, "Both of you, please be quiet!"

Yeah, it's getting to me.

Between Ellie's searching, Harry's reprimanding, Ellie's whining, Harry's reprimanding, and Ellie's crying, I want to run away with the circus never to be heard from again. Instead, I go and console her because I am a sucker. I HATE to see and hear her cry. And it's not like she's fake-crying. This is all-out wailing and big, fat tears-streaming-down-her-face crying. Meanwhile, Harry just stands there. Dude, console her a little. Poor kid's upset.

Is she getting what she wants? Not really. She doesn't want to be yelled at, and she doesn't want me to console her. She wants me to play with her. She wants me to watch her build a tower. She just wants me close by.

Harry tries. He does. He'll ask her if she wants to go outside for awhile or play downstairs so I can get a break, but I hear them out there or down there, and the tension doesn't go away.

Add to that the constant cleaning and picking up, and I'm just a big angerball. And I ain't talking about Ellie. I get that I married the man knowing he's not the neatest person in the world, but damnit, he IS an adult, fully capable of cleaning up after himself. How many times do I have to clean up crumbs or sweep the floor or pick up little pieces of toilet paper that must have ripped off the roll when he was trying to get some (SERIOUSLY. Instead of throwing them away, he threw them on the floor? How lazy can you be? The garbage can is also on the floor. Aim for that).

Yeah, I'm bitching. I'm just tired.

Maybe I want to be a slob and have someone clean up after me. Time after time, I'm tempted to not pick up like I normally do so he could see what the house would be like. In the end, I just can't do it. I can't have Ellie live in clutter or filth of any kind. I just can't. So I keep picking up. I keep cleaning.

Apparently, the toilet and the shower and the sink magically clean themselves. Did you know that? And the counters wipe themselves clean. They must because my husband has only cleaned our bathroom 1 time since we moved in over a year ago and he only cleans the counter after he makes dough on it. There must be elves who do that sort of stuff for you because they end up clean at the end of the day.

Bitch, bitch, bitch. That's me Bitchy McGee.

I get pissed at myself for feeling like this. I have a pretty freakin' fantastic life. I KNOW that. I just want a little pampering from time to time. I'm a little high maintenance when it comes to being married to me. Not monetarily but emotionally. I'm hard to live with. I want things done yesterday. I want help without having to ask for it. I want to be appreciated. I want to be told I look pretty when I know I do. I want to be lavished with priase once in a while. I want to feel like an important person.

Where were you?

2009-09-11T09:27:00.001-05:00

Today is a day of rememberance. Today is a day to be thankful for the things you have. Today is a day to voice your hopes, your wishes, your dreams… for yourself, your family, your friends, your fellow man, for this country, for this world.

On September 11, 2001, I was at a turning point in my life. I had just started dating my now-husband. I had a full-time job. I was enrolled in the Fall semester at my college. Things were moving along.

I was at work that morning, sitting at my desk, talking to my friend, Kim. We both got in at 8:30am and usually chatted before the day’s rush of work came in. We were talking about nothing special, possibly the Labor Day weekend that had just past, plans for her birthday, which was in the next few weeks, where my new relationship was going, seeing as I was dating her former roommate. You know, the usual blah blah blah.

We had been chatting for awhile when all of a sudden, Kim said, “You won’t believe this. We’re listening to the radio, and it was just reported that a plane hit one of the Towers.”

My response, “Are you kidding? Don’t they have people that monitor plane activity? How did that happen?”

There wasn’t anything else in the broadcast, so we resumed our mundane and inane conversation.

15 minutes later, and Kim stopped in midsentence. “Another plane just hit the other Tower.”

Both of us were silent. She was listening to the broadcast; I was waiting for her to report what it said.

I got one of those bad chills down my spine and that metallic taste in my mouth.

“Oh my God, one of the Towers collapsed.”

“Oh my God, the other Tower collapsed.”

And the world changed.

She had to immediately get off the phone and call everyone she knew in New York working at the Towers. She works in Finance, so she knew quite a few people.

And I sat in silence in my office with no windows, no internet, no radio, no television, no link to the outside world but my office phone.

The phone rang, and it was Harry. “Have you heard what’s going on?”

Work came to a screeching halt. Radios were found in the office and tuned in. People called their family and friends to make sure they were safe. We were only a short hour and 15 minute train ride to the city; it felt like it was going on right in our backyard.

Around 2pm, they sent us all home to be with our families. We all left in silence, trying not to run to our cars and get home as soon as possible to our loved ones.

I found Harry after seeing my parents, sister, and niece. He was at his local bar, drunk but somber. He was let out of work early too, but because he doesn’t really have any family, he went to his surrogate family instead… his bar friends.

We all sat and drank, but the bar was eerily quiet for a change. The TV was tuned into CNN instead of one of the games, and every head was turned to watch it.

The day ended with tears and fears. Questions. Hypotheses. Anger. Loss. Confusion.

8 years later, and all of that is still here.

We felt the blow a month later still when the company Harry had worked for for 7 years closed down. They manufactured aerospace parts, and after the plane attacks, their biggest client canceled a million dollar order. For a small-town company, there’s no way to bounce back from that.

I was also laid off the end of that year (not due to the attacks, mind you).

We started 2002 unemployed, pretty much penniless, and scared.

We got through it.

And now, on this day of rememberance, I am thankful for all I have. I am thankful that I live in this country. I am thankful for my wonderful family. I am proud that we’re still standing. I’m also still scared about the future… mine, my child’s, my country’s, the world’s.

But I have hope. I’ll always have hope.

And I said my concert days were done

2009-09-10T09:44:00.004-05:00

I'm happy to report that I was wrong.

A few days ago, Jess mentioned that Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova were touring in North America this fall. Get out! I figured they wouldn't be anywhere near here. Wrong again! One of the tour stops is in Providence, RI, a mere 2-hour drive from here. When I found out, I asked Harry if he would be interested in going with me. I had sat him down a couple of months ago to watch one of their concerts, and he liked the music. I was really hoping he'd want to go. Lucky me, he said yes.

Right after I got off the phone with him, I found out the presale was happening that day. I got the password code and waited for 11am to arrive. I immediately logged on, put in the code, selected best available seats for gold circle status (that's the first 10 rows orchestra section at Lupo's, and voila! Orchestra Center Right Row C Seats 1 and 2. Kick ass. We're on the center aisle right by the stage. Freakin' awesome.

I also emailed my mom to see if she'd watch Ellie for us, and she even agreed to watch her overnight. I was psyched. A little romantic getaway weekend for us! I started looking at hotels near Foxwoods Casino and saw the new MGM Grand just opened not too long ago. The rooms are a little pricey, but I figured what the hell, right?

So I called Harry on lunch break to tell him about the tickets and staying overnight, etc, and he surprised me by saying he didn't want to stay at a hotel overnight. I have to admit I was a bit crestfallen. We haven't had a weekend to ourselves since Ellie was born. I thought he'd jump at the chance to have a little alone-time, not to mention staying at a friggin' casino. I was wrong. That's THREE times I was wrong in a matter of hours, people.

I talked to him when I got home from work, and he's just not ready to spend a night away from Ellie. That really took me by surprise. I mean, there are nights I've put Ellie to bed without him, and most mornings, he's not here to wake her up. I kinda don't get it, but it is what it is. I won't force it, but I am a little bummed. We didn't really have the money for the hotel stay, but I was going to somehow finagle it with our finances to make it happen. I guess I don't have to work my magic.

That was kind of a downer, huh? Enough of that. The fact remains that we are going to go see an amazing concert in 2-months time, and I plan on thoroughly enjoying myself. Woo hoo!

Oh, and if you didn't listen to the song up top, take a couple of minutes to do so. Really. Their voices are just beautiful. They make me want to weep.

My eyes look all wonky in my profile photo

2009-09-08T12:05:00.003-05:00

What's up with that? I look possessed or something. It's only on the work computer, too. My laptop doesn't make my eyes pop out all 3D like that. Weirdness. Am I demonic-looking on yours? Just curious.

Anyway, I had a very nice 3-day weekend. I got to go visit my niece, Jes, up at Central. She's now a junior, and this is the first time I've gotten up there. Shame on me. We had a nice coffeetalk at the local Starbucks there (I may complain about their coffee, but this particular Starbucks had an AWESOME patio). After realizing it's a mere 48 minute drive from my doorway to her parking lot, I'm kicking myself in the ass for not visiting sooner. I'll definitely be up again in the future.

Sunday we had playdate, which is always fun. Harry got to go visit our friends, Luke and Laura (yes, that's really their names), and they're new baby, Luke Jr. Unfortunately, I've had a cold the past week, so I couldn't go. Sadness. I really wanted to see the baby. We'll have to visit again soon. My mom also made us dinner Sunday night which is always nice because A) we get to visit with her, B) Ellie loves going to her house, C) Mom is an awesome cook, and D) I don't have to cook when she does.

On Monday we decided to hit the zoo. We've gone to the zoo a lot this summer. We have a yearly pass, and it's only 5 minutes from our house. Ellie likes to see the animals, but her absolute favorite part is going on the carousel. She has to ride the elephant. HAS TO. She starts talking about it the moment we enter the zoo. She's fanatical about the elephant. I'm not looking forward to the day that someone else gets to the elephant first. Good Lord all Hell will break loose.

Mornings at the zoo are always a good idea for us because it tires Ellie out. After Sunday sans nap, there was no way I was letting her get away with it Monday. She was a little crankypuss on Sunday, and I wanted to run away. Seriously. I would have come back!

So the zoo and a big lunch totally tuckered the little one out, and she took a long nap Monday afternoon. And so did I. I LOVE taking naps. I wish I could take one every day. After naps, we went to the beach to let Ellie play on the swings and playsets. Seems she has a preference to playsets in our town. Figures she likes the one at the beach more; it's 10 minutes away and crazy busy. I prefer the one 2 minutes down the street. Eh.

We ended the day with a special treat dinner from Wendy's. Ellie, the pickiest eater of the year, REALLY likes fast food. Go figure. She doesn't get it that often (from us anyway), but I do so love to watch her enjoying her food. She ate a small fry, a jr. cheeseburger, and 1/2 a small frosty for dinner. That's more than she normally eats in an entire day! She kept making "mmmmm" noises and smacking her lips while eating. Totally cracked me up. This is also the girl that doesn't like meat... unless it's a fast food hamburger. Weird.

I wish we had had another day together today. The weekend went by so quickly. Sigh.

See the little badge on the sidebar?

2009-09-04T12:30:00.002-05:00

I'm participating in my first charity walk. Together, we can make a difference. If you'd like, please donate. No pressure. Thank you for reading. Have a nice day.

Finally!

2009-09-02T10:38:00.010-05:00

I finally have a few minutes to write about the goings-on of the last month. It's been hectic and fun, and I have managed to talk about most of it using status updates and uploading pictures to facebook. That being said, I still want to chronicle the highlights here for myself and any and all who aren't fans of FB. Here goes.

The first major thing to happen this past month was my sister, Debby's, wedding. It was a beautiful event, and I'm so very happy for her. She got married at a local park in the rose garden, had a small reception at an Italian restaurant the next town over, then had a picnic at her house the next day to celebrate with people near and far. The whole thing was a huge success, and we all had a lot of fun. Debby and Steve celebrated their honeymoon on a cruise to Mexico. Ooh la la!

Here are a few pics of the day:

The next weekend, Harry, Ellie, and I went to the Hamburg Fair for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning. The highlight of that day was Miss Ellie getting to go on her first pony ride. I wish I could post pics (no pics of Ellie on ye olde blog), but you'll just have to trust me on the fact that the girl is a natural. She freakin' loved it. She ended up riding on her own the last minute or two. She even had a little pink-trimmed cowboy hat to wear. She quietly whispered to Harry as the ride was over, "Daddy, I want a pony." I'll get right on that, Sweetie.

The next weekend was the weekend we've been waiting for all summer. We went to Sesame Place! We totally lucked out as the weather forecast said it was going to rain ALL DAMN DAY. I decided we'd go anyway since A) the hotel was already paid for and couldn't be cancelled and B) we were going to a water park, so we were going to be wet anyway. It rained the entire 3-hour drive down. It rained while we had breakfast. It rained as we all piled out of the car and tried to protect as much of our gear as possible. It rained as we upgraded to a 2-day pass. Then suddenly, at the last check-in checkpoint, the rain stopped. Just like that. Eventually, the sun even came out. And we had beautiful weather for our entire stay at the park.

We had an excellent time at Sesame Place, and we plan on going back either the end of this month or sometime in October. They'll be celebrating Zoe's birthday the last weekend of September, and there's also a Halloween shindig going on that same weekend through all of October. We can't miss that! Plus, we have the free pass for a second day. Woo hoo. The only thing we'll have to pay for this time is parking.

We spent the majority of the day in the tidal pool. Ellie loved it. I'm talking like 3 hours in this thing. And she still got upset when we had to leave. She also braved the Slimey Chutes with Daddy, went on the carousel, and a few other toddler-friendly rides throughout the park.

I had also booked the lunch with the characters for that afternoon. The food was atrocious, but it was a lot of fun to see the characters up close (for me and Harry anyway; Ellie didn't like them invading her personal space). Harry and I even got pics with Bert and Ernie!

Even Kaylee, my now 13-year-old niece (ahhhh! she's a teen!) had a great time with us. By 4pm, we were done. We drove to the hotel, checked in, ordered some dinner, and just relaxed until bedtime (8:30pm for all of us!). A little breakfast the next morning, and we hit the road back home. We decided to take I-95 back, and I'll say right now... that was an awful, awful choice. We won't do that again.

The next week, both Harry and I got to spend some quality one-on-one time with Ellie. Teri had the week off, so Harry and I divvied up the week. I got Monday, Thursday, and Friday, and Harry got Tuesday and Wednesday with our little one. We had an amazing week with her. We went to the park nearly every day, she went in the pool, Harry took her to the zoo, and we got to do a little shopping together, too (Ellie is SO my kid - she shopped for an hour and a half!). I'm actually thinking of taking another day off with her soon; that's how much fun we had. I love the age she's at right now, even with the attitude and tantrums. She's really coming into her own.

And last, but not least, I am edging my way towards the 30-lbs-lost milestone. I'm a half a pound shy right now and hope to get there by my weigh-in day, which is Friday. 30 freakin' pounds people! I am ecstatic to say the least.

And not to toot my own horn, but I'm looking pretty damn good.

I'm still alive

2009-08-30T07:10:00.002-05:00

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. ~John Lennon

I've had a busy, healthy dose of life this past month. And I got a little lazy. And there was no bloggy goodness from me because of that. I will remedy the situation soon.

Stand by.

And have a nice day:)

8 years ago today...

2009-07-29T06:05:00.003-05:00

the mister and I started dating. 8 years, and we haven't killed each other yet. Something to celebrate.

I love you, Harry.

I did it!

2009-07-27T08:44:00.002-05:00

A quickie...

I hit the 20-lbs-lost mark this weekend! Woo hoo! Not too shabby for 11 weeks. To top it off, I found a boxed brownie mix that's made from whole wheat and is only 2 pts per serving. I just integrated my first baked good into my eating plan. And I only ate one. Baby steps, baby steps.

I want Lolly to makeover my blog!

2009-07-23T13:41:00.002-05:00

Looking for a new blog to read? Check out Mommy is Rock n Roll. Lolly's given her blog a major overhaul, and I'm totally jealous. It looks awesome so far. She's a new mommy with a kickass sense of humor, is brutally honest, and someone I have quickly and easily come to admire. Just thought I'd pimp her out:)

(Yeah, I used a cutesy smiley-face. So sue me.)

Lots of stuff!

2009-07-21T14:07:00.005-05:00

This weekend, we had out-of-town guests stay at our house for the first time. The house isn't very big (only 1008 sf), and adding 2 more adults and 2 more children made for an interesting yet fun visit.

I met Audra through one of my oldest friends, Jessica. They went to college together and then crossed the U.S. right after college to move to L.A. I had met her a few times before their trek, and I also hung out with her on the few trips I made out to CA. We always got along famously well and noticed many parallels in our lives whenever we'd meet again.

Both of us got married within the same 12 month period (I think), and we both ended up having our first child in 2006, she in the beginning of the year, and me near the end. We both now live on the East Coast again, and up until recently, we both lived in basement apartments with family members living above (oh the stories we trade!).

This visit was very similar to the others with us finding how much we still have in common even though both our lives have drastically changed. We parent much the same way, and as she pointed out, as much as we self-criticize, we both have pretty well-behaved kids. Woo hoo.

Ellie and her oldest, Noah, had a blast this weekend. They chased each other continuously, fought over toys (not too much really), got to swim in the pool, just pretty much just be kids. Oh, how I envy. Her youngest, little Jake, is such a cutie. I must admit he stole my heart. And her husband, Jon, is really quite nice. This is the first time I met him, and I thought he was pretty cool. Audra has a lovely family.

We talked for hours once the kids were in bed, and that was by far my favorite part of the weekend. I love to gab, share horror stories about births and such, and laugh about all the stupid things we did when we were younger. I wished we could have stayed up to chat all night, but that's not really feasible for moms.

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Among all the other stuff we did, we made a trip to my local zoo. I just had to put that in here because I got an amazing picture while we were there, and I want to share:

Is this not amazing? They built a new viewing house that overlooks the wolf enclosure so you can see the wolves more close up. It's amazing. During this trip, we experienced something we've never seen or heard at the zoo. The two timber wolves were sleeping as usual, when all of a sudden the both stood up and started howling. Slowly, the red wolves and the maned wolves in the other enclosures joined them. It sounded like a sad lament but it was utterly beautiful in the most basic form of nature, if that makes any sense. I took that shot from my side of the glass wall in mid howl. The zoo worker that was in the observation house told us we had to go outside to listen because it was even more fantastic than listening to it in there. We all ran out, and he was so right. I am so glad I got to witness it. We have no idea what they were howling about, but it was incredible nonetheless.

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Ellie's pretty much fully potty-trained now. She does naps, overnights, the works. And last night, she pooped in the potty for the first time. I freakin' threw a party. She got like 20 stickers for that one. I am ecstatic.

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Yesterday, I decided to take the day off and hung out with my mom. Neither of us can even remember the last time we spent the day together. It may have been before Harry and I started dating. We had a wonderful day together. I couldn't be happier. And, to top it all off, she babysat last night so Harry and I could go see Harry Potter. Contrary to the book lovers/movie haters, I enjoyed the movie immensely. I could forgive the changes and omissions because I was fully entertained. I want to go see it again. I didn't even remember some of the major omissions until an hour later, so it was no big loss to me. I told Harry about some of them, and he proclaimed, "Man, those would have been cool!" LOL. Yes, they would have. He's hoping they're maybe in an extended DVD version. I don't think that's gonna happen. I know my niece doesn't agree with me, but there are times when I can like both the book and the movie for different reasons. This is one of them.

Another Good Day!

2009-07-16T05:47:00.003-05:00

We're two for two! Ellie was a doll last night. She ate her dinner, she listened, like really listened when I spoke to her, and there were no tantrums. Best of all, I was already in a good mood, and Ellie's good mood put me in a fantastic mood. Can't beat that.

And why was I in such a good mood? A simple shirt is the culprit. Last year, I bought this really pretty charcoal grey, button-down shirt that barely fit. The sleeves were tight, it just buttoned without looking like it was bursting, etc. It was flattering for my size, but I wished it was just the tiniest bit bigger.

I haven't worn the shirt in awhile, mostly because as pretty as it was, it made me feel rather large because of the fit. Yesterday, I decided to pull it out of the closet and see if it looked any better on me now that I've lost 18 lbs. Holy crap! It's friggin' loose. Even the arms are loose, which had me doing a happy dance since losing weight in my arms is the most difficult and stubborn area of my body to lose.

I just couldn't believe it. It almost looked like a maternity shirt! Lucky for me, that's kind of the style now so no one asked if I was knocked up. Heh heh. Another 10 lbs, and I won't even be able to wear it anymore. I may just get it tailored I love it that much.

This weekend, I also bought a few storage bins and packed away all my larger clothes. It was very cathartic. I hope I never have to see them again. Yeah, I know you're supposed to throw them out, but I'm just not ready to do that yet. I did that seven years ago and ended up having to buy all new clothes a few years later. I hate wasting money.

I think I can start wearing all my smaller clothes that have been sitting idly by for the past few years, waiting to be used again. That's exciting too. I especially love my summer dresses that I can now fit in again. Love it, love it.

I need more days like this.